Men's health: 'Watch where you put that thing'

Spa virgin Neil Grainger tries colonic irrigation, and three other similarly scary sounding treatments...

BOTTOMS UP
'David Gandy wants me to stick something up my bottom,' I said to my girlfriend, summarising a long and slightly bizarre text my mate David had just sent me. She enthusiastically suggested I should 'jump at the chance'. I tried not to think too much about her reaction.

The truth is I have wanted a colonic for years. I've often daydreamed about watching lumps of rotting meat swimming down a tube like Augustus Gloop on his way to the fudge room. Basically, I was hoping something good would come out of it. I wasn't disappointed.

My colonic hydrotherapy was with Amanda at Balance, a swish health and wellbeing clinic on the King's Road. I tentatively stripped off, slung on a surgical gown and lay on my side before having a tube inserted into my Well, you know where. Amanda then proceeded to fill me full of water (and at one point warm coffee). It was a slightly strange sensation but not at all painful. Once I was full, pressure was applied and down the tube came a truly satisfying amount of, yes, you guessed it. Constantly. For a full 90 minutes. I know I have a tendency to hoard things, but this was ridiculous. With every rinse and squeeze of my colon, I was talked through what I could see. Yeast, phlegm, gas and, of course, the brown stuff. It turns out that wickedly funny Amanda used to be a talent agent. This was not the first time I had been rinsed by one.

After a quick post-colonic skip to the toilet, I got dressed and was sent on my way feeling cleansed and, not surprisingly, light. I have been a svelte, smug git ever since and I got a personal best in the Great North Run the following day.
Colonic hydrotherapy, £85, at Balance, 250 King's Road, SW3 (balancetheclinic.com)

WAX LYRICAL
As a not particularly hairy man, the prospect of my first chest wax did not fill me with the kind of dread that it would the likes of, say, David Hasselhoff or Chewbacca. In fact, my hope was that after a few weeks with a smooth Mark from TOWIE chest, the hair would start to grow back like a normal man's, as opposed to my wispy chest hair, which is more
like that found on a hormonally challenged teenage boy's face.

My treatment took place at Strip, a very stylish wax bar and lingerie boutique on the Fulham Road. My waxer, Ria, led me to one of many themed rooms, The MANifico, with men's magazines and a James Bond poster on the wall. All reassuringly blokey, but to be honest, I couldn't help feeling envious of the ladies in the Chocolate Room; the intoxicating scent of cocoa and hazelnut wax must help to take the edge of the inevitable pain.

I had the chest and stomach wax, the latter of which was slightly more painful, but by using the salon's exclusive Lycon wax, it was nowhere near as bad as I expected. For a luxurious wax, Strip is perfect. I'm not sure waxing is for me, however. I need all the hair I can get.
Chest and stomach wax, £75, at Strip, 102 Fulham Road, SW6 (stripwaxbar.com)

THAT'S A WRAP
Next up was a Barley Body Wrap at Brown's Hotel, Mayfair, as part of its new range of British Beer & Barley treatments. They had me at 'beer'.
Having never experienced a body wrap before, I envisaged rather a large amount of cling film and, to be honest, I wasn't far wrong. The treatment begins with a body scrub using Epsom salts, hops and sesame seed oil. I was then slathered in a heady, rough-grist barley. As I lay there smelling like Horlicks, my therapist, Shareen, wrapped me in a loose-fitting plastic sheet. After being salted, seasoned, oiled and then wrapped, I began to feel the heated treatment table kick in and had the slight suspicion I was being baked alive. Perhaps I was about to be served to the opulent guests of the hotel restaurant, HIX. After all, they do dish up the 'best of British'.

As the barley took effect, I was treated to a wonderfully relaxing face and scalp massage, before showering and being left to indulge in Hooky Gold ale from Oxfordshire, some barley cookies and a really tasty hot malt drink. The temptation to barricade the door and fall into a deep sleep was overwhelming.
Body wrap, £130, at Brown's Hotel, 33 Albemarle Street, W1 (brownshotel.com)