Mackenzie Crook's diary

Recently I've had to visit my chiropractor. The downside of being widely recognised in London is the five herniated discs you get in your neck from constantly looking at your feet and trying to avoid eye contact. They don't mention that on

On the way back from the chiropractor some bloke shouted 'GARRIFF!' at me eight times from the other side of the road before I turned and told him, 'THAT ISN'T MY NAME!' Then a man leaned out of the window of his van, pointed aggressively and barked 'OFFICE!' I tried to point out that the series to which he was referring was actually called The Office, but he drove away laughing. When will people realise that programme was ten years ago and that I have since played many and varied roles?

In the evening I went to the launch of my new perfume range: Gareth out of The Office, pour homme. Nice turnout. Mick and Keith were there (Bolton and Harris) but Gervais didn't show, he never does. I also went on QVC to hawk my new range of jewellery: Mackenzique. The presenter seemed wholly unenthusiastic, however, and only managed to shift half a dozen units in three hours. I've got crates of this tat in my garage. It's going to ruin me. Perhaps I need to do something more worthy and raise some money for charity, something Walliamsesque but not as strenuous. I'm thinking maybe an egg-and-spoon race.

I've been trying to come up with a title for the first volume of my autobiography. I'm leaning towards By Hook or by Crook, but the writer and publisher are favouring Out of the Office. I have to have some input, so far it's just been a case of deleting exclamation marks.

Last week was the first day of rehearsals for Jerusalem at the Apollo Theatre. I feel well rested after our Broadway run and it's good to be back on home soil. We have two new cast members, Johnny Flynn and Sophie McShera. It must be a bit daunting for them, coming into a company that has been working together for so long, but hopefully we are making them feel welcome. Sophie is riding on the crest of a Downton Abbey wave - she plays Daisy the scullery maid - and Johnny has taken time out from his folk band, The Sussex Wit. It's great to be working with two very attractive young actors with such burgeoning careers. I just hope it doesn't all crash and burn for them. You never know in this industry...

We have animals with us on stage in Jerusalem. Chickens, goldfish and a tortoise. I provide the tortoise as I've kept them for years and taught them everything I know. George and Eli will share the role and their very different styles of acting are already dividing opinion. Eli is the audience favourite as he waggles his legs when he is picked up, but to my mind is a trifle 'hammy'. George tends to pull himself into his shell, which some might say is the more truthful performance. One cast member had the audacity to say he thought George 'a bit sluggish'. For crying out loud, aren't tortoises famous for being slow? They may be cold-blooded but they still have feelings.

My 40th birthday was last month and I decided to be mysterious and enigmatic at rehearsals and not tell anyone. But that only works if somebody finds out - nobody did. They all went off to dinner in a restaurant that 'gets no phone reception' so I couldn't find them. I ended up getting McDonald's and eating it in the dressing room. I didn't enjoy it, though. I was nervous that Mark Rylance would come in and catch me. He eats rare grains that I've never heard of and drinks juices that help poor people. When I got home, Mark was being interviewed on Newsnight about Jerusalem and how it relates to the state of modern Britain. Everything that man says is so intelligent and insightful. I just hope I can be as eloquent on The Alan Titchmarsh Show next week.

When I turned on my phone the next morning for the first time since my birthday it was amazing the amount of text messages I received gleefully reminding me I've reached 'the big four-o'. It doesn't bother me in the least but it seems to be endlessly amusing to others that I'm still alive at the age of 40. What, do they expect me to suddenly get a pipe and slippers and start settling into old age? I'll show them. I'll do what none of them expect. I'll get a much younger girlfriend and a motorbike. Yeah, then who'll be laughing? Idiots.

Jerusalem is at the Apollo Theatre until 14 January 2012