Too cool for Yule? Have a hipster Christmas instead

Unlike you, hipsters don’t want any old Christmas kitsch. Tinsel and eggnog are for normies, and a trip to Winter Wonderland akin to a pilgrimage to hell. If you Instagram yourself underneath the Carnaby Street robins you might as well be dead to Dalston.

As for celebrating on December 25? Uninspiring and mainstream. Hipsmas rejects fixed dates, preferring instead to fall “on the Saturday before Christmas” — which this year means December 21. Its Christmas story deviates from the traditional nativity: the official website — baby Jesus, eat your heart out — informs devotees that “in theory, Hipster Christmas is a celebration of irony, obscurity and skinny jeans. In actuality, Hipster Christmas is a theme party idea”. Which means to do Hipsmas properly, you need to throw a bash.

You might think it sufficient to invite the who’s who of the vegan crunk movement, rock out in purple leggings and a sailor tat, and generally have new age fun with a vintage feel. In fact, while that’s a good start, you’ll need to try harder to throw that Hipsmas bash to remember. Obviously, you must appear not to have tried at all.

Frankly, real kool kids are born (in Stoke Newington), not made, but if you need to fake it to make it then start by overhauling the menu. Pies are for nerds: deconstructed mince pies — served as a jar of mince/a pastry sheet — are far cooler. Slaving over a hot stove might put a dent in your quiff, so call in supplies: try Mother Flipper’s pulled turkey burgers — the cult meaties are popping up across London before Christmas — and MEATLiquor, which has created an XXXmas dog:bacon-wrapped chipolatas, turkey, gravy and stuffing.

If you still want to fit into those skinnies come January 6, ditch solids for liquids: Juice Club has created a special (in several senses) Brussels sprouts juice, available exclusively in Fortnum & Mason. Don’t scoff, it’s a super-food bursting with Vitamins C and K to banish winter flu, and contains cancer-reducing sulforaphane. That’ll get you to eat your greens.

If you fancy a full Christmas dinner, you can mix and match the Brussels sprouts juice with pears, cinnamon and spice, or apples and cranberry. The juices are devised by mixologist Dan Thomson — the expert behind Milk & Honey and Covent Garden institution B.Y.O.C. Kool.

Glühwein in mugs is out in favour of mulled cider in a tin can — top marks if you brew your own. Our resident hipster reveals her top secret recipe: “Heat up cider, add some other booze of your choice — rum, whisky, tequila — add bare spices and cloves (once I put chilli in but that wasn’t good), orange zest and slices, cinnamon sticks, apples, and maybe some vanilla from a pod if you want to treat yourself.” Hipster Christmas advises you “serve your beverages in only the jazziest Solo cups”, though spring break-style red cups (IRONY!) will also do.

As for dress codes: Santa costume? You do know that red-and-white Santa was invented by Coca-Cola? Hipster fancy dress means dressing as a Tomte, a small, gnome-like creature no taller than three feet with a long white beard and colourful clothes. He’s the Swedish Santa and — unlike his corporate cousin — is rooted in mythology. Hipsters love mythology. Switch thick empty frames for a pair of Urban Outfitters novelty glasses and its Christmas photo-booth props — beards on sticks — and strike a pose with the level of ho-ho-ho you’re aiming for.

Decorations should be homemade and unapologetically ugly. Photos should be taken on Lomography cameras or shared with the guests via Instagram direct (public sharing functions are so mainstream). For entertainment, the powers-that-be recommend “Christmas music played by obscure Swedish bands”. Top marks if it’s rare vinyl. Essentially, it has to sound like the antithesis of music as you know it.

If you’re feeling by now like the Grinch who stole Christmas, good — that’s very hipster. But even kool kids succumb at last: try visiting some Christmas lights. Oxford Street’s no good; go to Stoke Newington’s hot pink postmodern tree on Church Street, by the fire station. That’s the Hipsmas spirit.