How to decode his SMS with HeTexted

Throw out The Rules, all you need is HeTexted. Jane Mulkerrins meets the girls who will decipher your SMS

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4 April 2014

In Jane Austen’s day, people would write letters to each other that would take weeks to arrive — everything was played out in slow motion,” says Lisa Winning, a willowy, softly spoken Australian. Latter-day Lizzies and Darcys, by contrast, fast-forward the delicate dance of courtship, furiously flirting on Twitter, while stalking each other’s social media; him seeking out her bikini-clad selfies on Instagram, her “liking” his Facebook picture then having a meltdown when he doesn’t respond within 10 minutes.

Rapidly changing technology has radically altered the dynamics of dating; Facebook creates a false level of connection and easy, instant, intense communication has ratcheted up our expectations of response, encouraging obsessiveness and irrational anxiety. “It doesn’t matter how successful or accomplished you are, if a guy you like hasn’t texted, those feelings of insecurity come rushing in,” nods Lisa.

If and when a response finally does arrive, we are often lobbed merely an unsatisfying ROFL, a lazy LMAO or even (my personal bête noire) an entirely ambiguous emoji [insert confused face]. Erm, WTF?

All of which is why Lisa Winning came up with HeTexted, a forum on which to share confusion, vent frustration and seek advice; an online council of war, offering instant feedback.

Up an artfully graffiti-covered staircase in New York’s fashionable SoHo, I meet Lisa and co-founder, Carrie Henderson McDermott, at their airy, white office, an “incubator” where dozens of tiny tech start-ups rent affordable desk space.

Lisa and Carrie, blonde, pretty and both still under 30, run their empowering empire with just one other member of staff. The pair are no slouches; Lisa, 29 studied international relations at the LSE before working at the London-based luxury lifestyle concierge service Quintessentially; Carrie, 27, is ex-beauty editor at Glamour magazine.

And yet, when hustling for investment, their youth, gender and business plan were dismissed by many. “We arranged meetings with investors and venture capitalists — pretty much all men — and they all asked: ‘Are you sure young women really want answers to their dating questions?’” says Lisa. “We could never get a second meeting.”

“They all said it would never be successful. Of course, they were the first ones knocking on our door when we went viral,” grins Carrie. The site went live in October 2012 and saw more than 200,000 visitors in its first eight hours.

Its rapid success has also led to a book, a HeTexted bible. Texting tactics and protocol are only part of the picture; chapters also cover He Friended, He Sexted and He Booty Texted.

The site and book both seek to fill a gap that has grown up in less than a decade, a need for advice on navigating the choppy waters of dating in the digital age. The formerly best-selling self-help book The Rules — with strict diktats about rarely returning phone calls and waiting three days to reply — has been rendered obsolete. “We saw that a fresh take was needed, based on things like: should you add him as a friend on Facebook? Should you send him a picture of yourself if he asks?” says Lisa. “The rules themselves and the situations we all find ourselves in have all changed dramatically.”

Much digital communication is not just fast but ambiguous too, inviting misunderstanding and miscommunication. As well as the site’s public forum, where users can share their concerns with a community of caring and text-savvy strangers, they can also request private advice from one of the 28 “Bros”, the site’s men who offer a male perspective, unpaid.

“We like to think of it as a public service,” beams Carrie. Around 90 per cent of HeTexted users are female, but next month will see the launch of SheTexted, to help men decipher their missives from the fairer sex. ‘”We women think we’re so easy and clear in our communication in relationships,” shrugs Carrie. “But girls can be a bit strategic and play it cool, and boys can be shy.”

The bulk of the site’s traffic comes from New York. London users come a close second, and LA third.

There are clear differences in the details of problems posed on each side of the pond, where dating cultures still diverge. “There’s definitely less talk about feelings from users in London. And fewer questions about multiple dating and exclusive/non-exclusive territory than in New York,” says Lisa.

Carrie, who has been married for 18 months, admits she is still surprised by the reports of relationships in London, where dating multiple people (the norm in New York) is still comparatively rare but sleeping with someone on the first date is considered acceptable (in New York, this makes you a trollop; he will never call you again). Fortunately, HeTexted has British Bros as part of its team, so responses can be tailored to culturally sensitive situations.

They’ve seen an explosion in posts about Tinder from London, too. “We get lots of questions like ‘I met him on Tinder but I’d actually like to date him. Is that going to be a no-go? Is this strictly a casual sex app?’” Carrie tells me. “The general rule of thumb seems to be: sorry, but no, you’re probably not going to find your husband on Tinder.”

There’s a serious point to the amateur text-analysis too though. The girls note that, with our phones in hand 24/7, “we exist in a constant low hum of anxiety”. “People come to our site, we hope, to soothe that hum,” says Carrie. “Social media is not going away and we aren’t going to stop waiting for that text, but we can make the waiting easier to bear.”

They have their own rules too, taking a hard line on #hashtags (“douchebags”) abbreviations and emoticons as a substitute for the properly written word. “If you don’t care enough to type a complete sentence, then what kind of surprise birthday party are you going to throw? A pretty uncreative one,” says Carrie, sternly.

Do not send any pictures you wouldn’t print out and put on your mother’s mantelpiece; don’t respond to texts post-midnight, and never say yes to a booty-text. “The reality is everyone does,” admits Carrie. “But if you go in with the intention of not doing so, hopefully you only do it half as often.” What about dyslexics, I ask. Or visually-leaning sorts who send clever, creative emojis? Boys who can’t punctuate, and rely too heavily on LOLs, but who make your knees buckle when you walk into a bar?

“Of course there are people you make allowances for,” says Lisa. “It all depends on what they’re like in real life and how you feel when you’re actually with them, rather than sitting at home, staring at your phone.”

HeTexted: The Ultimate Guide to Decoding Guys by Lisa Winning and Carrie Henderson McDermott, is published by Century on April 10, price £9.99

TEN PRETTY OBVIOUS WAYS THAT YOU'LL KNOW THEY'RE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

10 “Big news! I’m moving to Cuba.”

9 “I don’t believe in monogamy.”

8 “I’ll never love a woman as much as I love my dog.”

7 “Can’t make it to your party. Got a hot date.”

6 “I’m not really attracted to [your hair colour here] girls.”

5 “Yup, crazy busy for the foreseeable future.”

4 “Your new lingerie. LOL. Get a refund.”

3 “I’ll pass on the sext.”

2 “Lose my number.”

1 “It’s not you. It’s my opinion of you.”

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