New Davos, man: Nick Curtis imagines the proceedings at the World Economic Forum

Anyway, we’ll hold this thing in the Winter White House at Mar-e-Largo next year. It’s hot there — hot like Ivanka and certain porn stars I have never met and certainly never paid off.

Anyway, hot, cold — there are very fine temperatures on both sides. But snow is bad for golf. Ball gets lost. Where was I? Oh yeah, when do I get to meet this Davros guy?

The founder of the WEF Klaus Schwab steps forward. The mutual distaste of the two men is obvious and they do not shake hands.

Schwab: Welcome to Switzerland, Mr President. Your predecessor, President Obama, never made it to our little gathering but we look forward to getting similar wisdom and insight into economic and social matters from you as we had with President Clinton.

Trump: Crooked Hillary! She lost!! I won the electoral college AND the popular vote!!!

Schwab: I meant BILL Clinton, sir.

Trump: OK, OK. Joking! I’m, like, a very witty person. Everyone says so. But I’m here to drain the swamp — the fjords, whatever — and put America first. What’s on the table?

Schwab: This year’s theme is Creating a Shared Future in a Fractured World.

Trump: Sad! Not snappy. Nothing about tax cuts and how we MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. We’ll change that. I’ve brought Don Jr to chair some committees.

Don Jr: (Straining at baby reins). Me want chair COMMITTEE. Me want kill REINDEER! Me want secret meeting with Vladimir Pu — oops, me say that out loud?

Schwab: I’m afraid our list of co-chairs is all female this year,Mr President (hands over list).

Trump: (Leafing through it). Christine Lagarde? Ugh, old. Erna Solberg, Prime Minister of Norway? Barely a five! Ginni Rometty from IBM? I’m sure she does a very fine job but goes totally crazy once a month…

Bono enters wearing shades and Schwab tries to introduce him but the distracted singer fails to see Trump’s outstretched hand.

Bono: Can’t stop, Klaus, I’ve left me hat in Dublin or possibly the Bahamas or the Cayman Islands, so I have. Can’t attend the air pollution forum without it, so I’ve got private jets flying all me hats here from me different houses. Don’t worry, it’s all tax deductible. Bejasus, though, I hate packing for an early Monday flight. Sunday, bloody Sunday. (Exits)

Trump is still grinning with his hand outstretched. There is an awkward pause then a WHOOSH-BOINGGG! sound and Theresa May appears by Trump’s side, like the Road Runner in a Looney Tunes cartoon, clasping his hand.

May: (Oilily) Mr President! Such a delight to see you. There are some stairs down to the conference hall ahead so perhaps I could help you navigate them and we could discuss a new trade deal. It’s important that our two great nations should stand alone together…

As she leads Trump off he mouths “who is this?” to Kellyanne Conway

Scene Two

A discussion on wealth inequality chaired by Will.i.am with a panel including Labour shadow chancellor John McDonnell, the director of the European Organisation for Nuclear Research Fabiola Gianotti, Cate Blanchett (who is wearing black in support of the #metoo movement), Bono and Elton John.

Will.i.am: If I could just ask you some questions to check sound levels, Mr McDonnell. Where is your suit from?

McDonnell: Marx. I mean Marks. And Spencer’s.

Will.i.am: OK. Right, acute and obtuse are types of…?

McDonnell: Engels. I mean angles…

Will.i.am: The toilet in my hotel room won’t flush. What should I do?

McDonnell: Smash the cistern!

Will.i.am: Thanks. (To Bono) Did you find your hat?

Bono: No. I stiiiill haven’t foooound what I’m looking for, so I haven’t.Donald Trump, in the audience, is visibly bored and switching between Twitter, Fox News, Breitbart and Infowars on his phone. An Asian woman passes by and he clicks his fingers at her.

Trump: Hey! Two cheeseburgers and a large Coke. And two scoops of vanilla ice cream.

Woman: (Stiffly) I beg your pardon?

I am Hao Jinfang, the first Chinese winner of the Hugo Award for science fiction and a delegate here.

Don Jr: Me want Egg Foo Yong then!Trump: (Hauling his son back with baby reins) No, Donny, that’s foreign food, not American food like pizza or tacos. C’mon, let’s go check out the real estate here in Swaziland. A place like this needs a Trump tower, a Trump casino, and a Trump golf course on that mountainside ….

There’s a WHOOSH-BOINGGG! noise and Theresa May is by Trump’s side, holding his hand.

May: (Desperately) Mr President! There are a couple of steps down to the lobby so let’s go hand in hand, you and I, and TAKE STEPS to cement our special relationship with deals on chlorine-washed chicken and the fracking rights for the Palace of Westminster…

Trump, as he is led away, mouths “who is this?” at Kellyanne Conway.

Scene Three

A party thrown jointly by Tesla, Virgin, Goldman Sachs and Facebook. Elton John is serenading Elon Musk and Richard Branson with Rocket Man on the stage while waiters serve canapés of deep-fried vampire squid. In a corner, Mark Zuckerberg mines the data of all those present and keeps an eye on two rolling digital counters on his phone which will register whether his company hits a net worth of $1trillion before Amazon does. At the bar, Catalan leader Carles Puigdemont invites Spanish President Mariano Rajoy out for a fight. Donald Trump is talking to Chinese President Xi Jinping.

Trump: … so I said to my friend — I don’t wanna name him but I call him Comrade P and he calls me President Pee, it’s a joke, see — I said, that guy from China sure has it right. Gold palaces, a strong military, tight control of the fake news media, pretty much an ethnic monoculture and a big, byoodaful wall! I said to my friend, if we get him to help us out with his little neighbour then the oil rights of North Korea — or is it South Korea? — are ours for the taking….

Xinping looks at him blankly, then barks an order to an underling and stalks off.

Underling: President Xi is very interested in what you have to say, Mr President, and he apologises but he has an appointment with his dentist at 2.30…

Trump is left alone, looking for someone to talk to. He waves at Justin Trudeau, who ignores him. He attempts a high-five with Will.i.am who stares at him, and advances on Cate Blanchett, who runs away.

He spots the still-hatless Bono and walks towards him but Bono notices that Angela Merkel is about to trip over the pram containing George and Amal Clooney’s twins on the other side of the room, and dashes towards her shouting “Achtung! Babies!”

Trump: (To himself) Lonely! Sad. Wonder what the room service is like. Could use some company…

There is a WHOOSH-BOINGGGG! noise and Theresa May is by his side, holding his hand.

May: (Crazed) Mr President, let’s take the stairs and I’ll tell you about the sunlit uplands of the post-Brexit landscape and also the vast oil deposits to be found in Islington North…

As he is led away, Trump desperately looks around for an ally, but there is no one.