Confessions of Groomzilla

By organising my entire stag do with zero input from my best man, I saved him a job, too. This is due to my Baedeker-like knowledge of the destination (Hamburg) and because I refused to sport a mankini for the weekend.

But back to that dress. There’s currently a big trend towards vintage ceremonies, and I blame alternative wedding websites such as rocknrollbride.com and lovemydress.net. Thousands of women flock to these blogs to get inspiration on outré table plans, surveying soft-focus shots of snogsome spouses at fairground-themed ceremonies. So far, so kooky. However, many men aren’t fans of “quirky”. There’s nothing attractive about dressing like a consumptive charlady from Anne of Green Gables, especially for something as epochal as getting spliced.

On a joyless Sunday last January, I was dragged around an “alternative wedding fair” in Piccadilly. The enforced jollity of stalls called “Burlesque Brides” — manned by swirl-skirted girls with funny fringes and purple hair — was all too much. After five minutes, I felt like parking my lunch up on the pavement outside.

My groomzilla-ness probably stems from being a ridiculously OCD party-planner. But according to Paula Hall, relationship psychotherapist at Relate, equal opportunities are also to blame for my current madness. “Weddings have traditionally been a female domain,” she says. “The extent of the man’s role normally extended to turning up on time and getting drunk. The rise of ‘groomzillas’ are testament to more equality.”

Indeed, weddings are oft described as being “her” special day, a chance for “her” to shine and be a “princess”. All of which I’m happy with. But with men increasingly sharing wedding-planning duties, why shouldn’t we get a slice of that action, too?

There’s also the need to impress your mates. As Hall says: “Before, weddings would have been organised with the in-laws in mind. Now it’s about giving your friends a great party instead.”

Very true. With the rise in kitsch-fest weddings, I don’t want our day smeared with anything too emasculating. The groom who doesn’t stand his ground is the one who ends up in a flamingo-pink suit, making fast in wedlock to the strains of the Glee soundtrack. All of Jordan’s ex-husbands must know this feeling.

Hall recommends keeping things in perspective during planning: “You’re not going to ruin your entire reputation by having one soppy dance.”

Of course, Mrs Christian and myself both want the same thing: a legendary party that will rival Caligula’s Roman blow-outs and whatever Lindsay Lohan got up to last week. And we’re confident we can achieve that. She might have to forgo that vintage dress but I’m sure, when standing at the altar, she’ll look amazing whatever she wears. As long as I haven’t upset her so much that she decides to stand me up instead.

Bridechilla: The opposite of the groomzilla — a bride who’s so relaxed/apathetic that she thinks her wedding breakfast will involve bacon and eggs.

PMT: Pre-marital tension.

Hen-pecked: A groom-to-be who has been forced by the bridesmaids into doing a million pointless Mr and Mrs quizzes.

Fiancé trolls: Those tiresome betrothed couples who always bring the conversation back to their upcoming wedding.

Wedmin: The ridiculously dull admin that accompanies getting married and takes up every weekend prior to the Big Day.

Wedsite: A wedding website, the setting up of which involves a hefty amount of wedmin.

Groom raider: A groom too tight-fisted to splash out on a Savile Row suit who instead relies on a bricolage involving his usher’s cufflinks, his dad’s old cricket tie and a Mr Byrite suit last worn by his best man for a job interview in 1991.

Wedequette: How to behave appropriately before getting spliced, such as “We’ll only invite X once Aunt Agatha has dropped out. Or is that bad wedequette?”

alt.stag An alternative stag do for the groom’s friends who don’t like lapdancing bars or might be ladies. Note: the bride can also be invited to this. Also known as “any excuse for a big p***-up before the wedding”.

Bridesmaidzilla: An anally retentive bridesmaid who controls the wedding as if it were her own, sending 9am emails to the bride’s work account every day about booking multiple tanning salon appointments, why her shoes aren’t right and how she can’t be expected to walk down the aisle without a pedicure. Oh, and is the bride going to pay for it?

Marital muteness: What will inevitably happen to the happy couple after their wedding when they find that once the planning is over they will have nothing to talk about. Or, for that matter, nothing in common.