6 new rules of text etiquette

Using the old iOS, your options for expressing dissatisfaction were limited: using all capitals, or that impotent red-faced emoji. Both, regrettably, are quite comical.

Happily for hotheads, the new iOS has two howler settings. The first is Slam: employ it, and your text will hit the screen hard then settle with a satisfying puff of dust. The second is called Loud: your text appears huge, shakes from side to side and then shrinks to regular size. To use them, type your text then hold down on the blue arrow in the far right of the text entry button, which pulls up a new menu of settings; select “Slam” or “Loud”.

Obviously, you must not cheapen their power by sending howlers when someone tells you they’re going to be 10 minutes late and they’re “so so sorry!!!” Save both for real trespasses of your trust.

Slamming the words “you’re dead to me” onto someone’s screen has real impact; doubtless your foe will crumple when they see “you have betrayed me” shake violently on their screen.

There are also nods to the analogue: you can now send handwritten texts. Tip your phone into landscape mode and it brings up a sort of Etch-a-Sketch screen, onto which you can scrawl your own text. It’s good for declarations of love, or drawing stick men in compromising situations. You could also play Hangman, or noughts and crosses.

Or, forgo words altogether: the new iOS incorporates a GIF library. Use keywords (“excited”, “nervous”, “existential”) and it will pull up a selection of GIFs. Some are funnier than others; do not use GIFs with scathing friends who christen things such as GIFs and emojis “basic”. They don’t deserve it. Other visual cues include the screen effects: Balloon sends a kaleidoscope of colourful balloons floating across the screen; Lasers set strobing lights flashing, like being in a nightmare that is set in a nightclub. Confetti feels appropriate for most celebrations.

When you are hungover, simple activities (walking, speaking, reading) are faintly harrowing. Do not torture a friend whom you know is suffering: whisper your sympathies

using the Gentle setting, in which text appears small and grows gradually, like a slow, sibilant whisper.

For occasions when seeing your own banal, senseless words written down is too much to bear, you can use the Invisible Ink setting (in the same menu is Gentle), which scrambles your message. To read it, gently swipe right over the text and it assembles correctly. Furthermore, it conjures a sense of mystery.

Seemingly, Apple has designs on the human body next: Heartbeat — a function that first appeared on the Apple Watch — allows you to send a colourful beating heart. Hit the heart icon that appears next to the text-bubble and then place two fingers on the screen; it creates a pulsating blob that is, broadly, heart-shaped. Send after a particularly good Tinder date to really show you care.

Every function has an equal and opposite one: there is also a heartbreak function. Tap and hold with two fingers, then drag then down the touchscreen. Send after enduring a particularly bad dumping to show you’re really smarting.

@phoebeluckhurst