It's a relief to have my own bedbug problem confirmed. Astley can now prepare for the next stage - heat treatment, which costs an eye-watering £1,200 and involves moving everything on his proscribed list out of the affected room (including all food, plants, aerosols, old plasma TVs but not necessarily artwork). If you're desperate, it may be worth it. For, unlike pesticides, which can take three weeks to kill the bugs, very high temperatures kill instantly. By the time you read this, my flat will be an oven-like 57 degrees Celsius thanks to three strategically placed heat exchangers. If all goes to plan, it'll be roast bedbugs all round tonight. For the first time in a long while, I'm looking forward to getting into bed.