Lady of the manners

Dear Hettie

I may be a Polly Pocket-sized mega global superstar but I have a problem.

I’ve been asked to perform on the Hit Factory Live tour this summer alongside several Stock Aitken Waterman names, including Sonia, Sinitta and Bananarama. While it might be fun to relive the old days with Jason, Rick and the gang, I’m worried that I’m a bit, um, above it all these days. Aren’t I just too famous for all those has-beens?

Yours Kylie*

Is there such a thing as too famous? Surely the raison d’être of famousness is to become the most famous person on the entire planet and then cling on for dear life? I don’t think Madonna got into the fame game to become, y’know, that singer who flashes her pants all the time... what’s her name? Hell no, she got into it to be the queen of pop. As, presumably, did you – no one runs around in tiny gold hot pants after the age of 40 unless they’re after something, that’s for sure. You should embrace this opportunity to shine.

You will be without question the main draw of the show and so you’ll get to enjoy all the trappings of being the star attraction: the biggest pay check, the biggest dressing room, the biggest entourage, the biggest cheers, the smallest shoes... The key is to recognise this as the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to rub your insane success in the faces of all the other sad, minutely successful SAW acts.

‘Sealed With A Kiss’? In your FACE, Donovan! ‘So Macho’? Eat my itty bitty shorts, Sinitta! Would Madonna balk at singing with lesser beings? Would she hell. She’d stomp all over them in her weird lace-up thigh-high boots, and so must you. *Kylie’s quandary as imagined by ES