Lady of the manners

Dear Hettie
After many years as Hollywood's top dog, and my Palm Dog award at Cannes for The Artist, I've decided to put my paws up and retire. I'll see out my days writing my memoirs by the pool, with a cocktail or two. For mine is the classic dog-to-riches tail... Rejected for being too 'wild', I was sent to the pound, rescued by animal trainer Omar von Muller, and ended up acting with the stars, from R-Patz to... er, Jean Dujardin. The only question is, who should play me in the (inevitable) movie of my life?
Yours, Uggie*

I'm impressed that you've managed to reach this decision with such equanimity. So many of the greats wrestle with a Norma Desmond-style existential crisis when the moment comes to hang up their wig and girdle and let go of the limelight. They just can't loosen that throttle-like grip on fame without histronics and attention-seeking, or simply don't know how to go about not being a star. How sensible to take the approach of that other beloved animal actor, Cheeta, whose memoirs were so well received a few years ago. No doubt your tales of doggy derring-do will have Hollywood hooked in no time - Harvey Weinstein will be sniffing about, barking on about how he'll just die if he doesn't get his paws on it, and all the most beautiful starlets will be walking out with you, trying to pee on your patch (so to speak). As for the Big Question... there are only a handful of actors around who would be capable of taking on such a meaty role. There's Andy Serkis, but we need a bigger name here. An actor who'll really become Uggie - in which case, there's only one man good and hairy enough for the job: Joaquin Phoenix. He'd be barking to turn it down.

*Uggie's quandary as imagined by ES