Lady of the manners

Dear Hettie,

Oh Madge, bless you worrying about little old us. To be honest, it would be a relief if you'd stop trying so hard - most women feel exhausted just looking at pictures of you all trussed up in your corsets and satin hotpants and strapped into your vegan boots. You've worked so hard entertaining us for so long, I think you deserve a break. At least go part-time - honestly, we won't mind. There are only so many flashes of your gusset we need to see, after all. And if we start to miss it, well, that's the beauty of Google Images, isn't it?

I have to confess, when I saw you last week holding auditions for a new dancer, I didn't think, 'Good for her, shaking her thang with the kids.' I thought, 'Those boots must have taken a really long time to lace up.' Don't you think you've earned the right after all these years not to spend half your day climbing into uncomfortable clothing, working out like a demon and injecting your face with poison? Go on, give it a rest. We'll all feel so much better for it.

* Madonna's quandary as imagined by ES