Jon Richardson's My London

Where do you live?

‘Suburbiton’. I like the fact that people laugh when I say it.

Earliest London memory?

I came here on a primary-school trip from up North. We saw Jason Donovan in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I spent every other minute terrified that I was going to get lost and never see my family again.

Building you’d most like to be locked in overnight?

The Tower of London for the full locked-in experience.

Where do you go to let your hair down?

I’ll generally chill with the guys at The Box or Boujis. I like to drink espresso martinis with other people who get recognised.

Building you’d most like to buy?

Buckingham Palace. I’d get the Homes Under the Hammer guys in to give me advice on turning it into bedsits and charge tourists to have tours so we can make some proper money out of it.

Favourite shops?

My local off-licence. It sells prawn cocktail Spirals, Desperados and Oreo ice cream. Since I don’t eat meat, Wahaca is my Nando’s, plus it has tequila. When I’m writing for 8 Out of 10 Cats I head to Morrisons in Shepherd’s Bush mid-afternoon to pick up treats so that I have the energy to pretend to care about The X Factor and Strictly for a couple more hours.

What would you do as Mayor for the day?

I’d give myself the day off and stay in watching Home Alone and Home Alone 2 back to back with pizza from Papa John’s and chips from a chippy. Power corrupts, even notionally.

Last play you saw?

Skylight, starring Bill Nighy. I loved that the cooking on stage was done for real, so you could smell the onions and wine.

Have you had a run-in with a policeman?

Luckily not. My crimes remain undetected.

Best place for a nightcap?

I get all my night clothes from M&S. Doesn’t everyone?

Best advice you’ve been given?

Freeze leftover wine in ice-cube trays and use it to make sauces in future. Thanks, Nigella, see you on Thursday for poker and crisps.

Who do you call when you want to have fun?

My therapist. She reminds me that it’s better for my comic persona to stay in and write.

Last album you bought?

One by Tiziano Ferro before my holiday to Italy because I thought that by listening to music in the language I would become fluent. I might as well have been listening to The Proclaimers for how much they understood me when I tried to speak Italian.

Best meal?

I ate a dish of cauliflower done five different ways at the Criterion Restaurant, which was amazing.

Who’s your hero?

Stephen King for his unending creativity and ability to see so many ideas through to the end and still maintain incredible quality. I’m privileged to have shared a planet with him and he has made countless hours on the road and in hotels a pleasure rather than a chore.