Italians detox better at Espace Henri Chenot

There’s something a bit ruthless about Italy. But it’s a glamorous ruthlessness, a film-star ruthlessness, a stirring lack of mercy. And I like it. This occurred to me as I was standing in a faintly sinister, tiled room wearing a paper G-string and a dinner-lady hat, a stingy jet of arctic water aimed at my wobbly bits. There was no point in complaining. By this stage I was happily institutionalised; fully surrendered.

Now, I’ve done a detox or two in my time and they can be exceedingly depressing propositions, what with the hunger and the headaches and the general hassle of being prodded and lectured. And there is little I loathe more than being asked about my chakras and spirit guides when all I want is a double espresso. But the Espace Henri Chenot at the Palace Merano is not that kind of detox. For a start, it’s a palace entered through a glittering, gilded lobby punctuated with dazzling chandeliers and sofas of papal grandeur rising from the richest of gleaming parquet. There is marble, orchids, boutiques selling diamonds. And so I relax, confident in the knowledge that no one is going to fiddle with my chakras.

The Chenot detox programme is satisfying in that it works two-fold. You lose weight, quite a lot of weight, both real and water. All puffing and bloating melts away and the minimal diet — nutritiously rich, calorifically meagre — pumps up your metabolism. But, bikini body aside, you find your system wakes up, everything starts to work a little bit better, your eyes are brighter, your skin is younger, your sleep is truer, your spirit is calmer.You can do the biolight diet, which is healthy, or the detox diet, which is healthy, scanty and includes optional broth (not soup, closer to hot water), or fast, and you can go to the whistles-and-bells gym, or you can do a lot of lying down. I did a sharp, semi-starve-and-sleep four-day stint and, as an early riser, here’s how my days went:

Detox tea, chicory (fake) coffee and fruit at 7.30am followed by a long, hot hydrotherapy bath to get the circulation whizzing, a mud wrap to de-stress, the hosedown to tone and a deep massage with cupping to encourage drainage, detoxification and the release of energy along the meridians. These treatments are the pillars of the Chenot system and help to kick-start its Biontology philosophy, which is all about vitality and prevention. The staff measure the state of your organs with electrodes and then set about rebalancing you with non-invasive (more electrodes) acupuncture.

I learned to love my treatments. You can, of course, have many, many more. And this is a temple to beauty as well as health, so there is also some fine cosmetic medicine available if, alongside a flatter stomach, you seek a fuller cheek or a stiller brow.

At about midday I padded — never dressed, always berobed — to the quiet pool where I allowed narcolepsy to take hold as a handsome pool person delivered ‘cocktails’ of water infused with lemon and ginger, or watched the other Chenot drones in matching dressing gowns drift about the place. There were a lot of fancy watches and compelling plastifications, a lot of Russians and — marvellously — billionaire former F1 boss Flavio Briatore. It has a factory feel, which is rather nice because when you are not booked in for a treatment they leave you the hell alone.

Then lunch: three courses of tiny, vegetarian deliciousness gorgeously presented and gratefully chewed — properly, for once. This is another pillar of the Chenot system and weeks later I am still trying to chew rather than gulp, Homer Simpson style. Then more sun and more sleep on my big bed in my properly five-star bedroom with a harpist playing in the sunset on the lawn outside. I wanted to hate that but I couldn’t bring myself to. After all, we were in the South Tyrol and I was on a balcony. Well, you channel the poetry, don’t you?

After four days I was half a stone lighter, almost oppressively cheery and totally unbowed by the prospect of summer parties requiring slinky dresses. Chenot can deliver a personal best and you can’t say fairer than that.

A week at Espace Henri Chenot, Palace Merano costs from €4,420 including the Comprehensive Henri Chenot Health Programme, accommodation for seven nights in a classic double room, all meals and the compulsory medical visit (00 39 0473 271 000; palace.it)