How to give the best wedding speech

A little advice. I’ve written best-man speeches for all kinds of people with more money than sense, time or ability and I’m pleased to report that I’m still on speaking terms with them all. Some, admittedly, through lawyers but that’s life, isn’t it? You’re used to public speaking, sure — but a wedding party is the toughest of crowds. Don’t forget, this lot are never more than three feet away from a polo mallet and a pack of hounds, so choose your gags carefully.

Do, of course, drop in a few funny anecdotes about the groom’s antics. Just remember: most of the audience will have seen a daily newspaper over the past 20 years so you may have to search your personal archives for fresher material than your brother’s predilection for a good night out.

Don’t use any word inadmissible in Scrabble or that you wouldn’t want your grandparents to hear. They’ll be there — assuming Phil doesn’t need any more bits replacing. Do mention how radiant the bride and bridesmaids look. Perhaps not too enthusiastically, though; I once had to break up a fight between a groom and his best man who had said the bride was looking ‘sexalicious’ and that he ‘literally would’.

Beatrice and Eugenie’s millinery choices should be good for a bit of gentle ribbing. If in doubt, throw in a crack at the size of your father’s ears and your hope that they (like the crown) should skip a generation. Stay sober, keep it short, don’t mention James Hewitt. To the bride and groom!