How to get laid at a wedding

My sister is getting married this summer.

I have, woundingly, not been asked to be a bridesmaid. And so I have reacted in the only way that seemed appropriate: I have found out how she is dressing the bridesmaids and pageboys (white shirts, periwinkle culottes) and have sourced an outfit in matching colours. I also have a plan to steal into the church before the service and liberate some flowers to stuff into my hair. Why? Because the best way to get laid at a wedding is to be conspicuous.

Being in the wedding party is, of course, a sacred blessing when hoping to get lucky. It is a true meeting of minds: you’re both high-profile and likely to have a bed nearby. And the best way to fill your bed on the wedding night is to make an impression— you haven’t got time to scintillate one by one. To that end you should: harass the bride and groom until they let you do a reading (there is nothing like the pulpit for showcasing your wares); wear the snappiest outfit in the brightest hue you can find; get one of your friends to give you a Strictly Come Dancing lift while the couple are having their first dance.

On the other hand I advise against doing an Andie MacDowell in Four Weddings and A Funeral and tottering in late with a huge hat. I also don’t advocate loudly heckling the speech-makers. A heckler in life might be a heckler in bed. You want to be a presence, not a nuisance. For there is a big impediment to the ostentation rule: any success will not go unnoticed. Two summers ago I went to a wedding in Ireland and I wore my most show-stealing headdress. It was found the next day in the garden next to my knickers. Still, at least I got laid.