Happy birthday Mr President ... and thanks for the big fat cheque

Hilary Swank exposed the strange world of celebrity personal appearances (PAs) in October this year, when she appeared at the 35th birthday party of the Chechen president Ramzan Kadyrov in Grozny. Swank bounced in to say 'Happy Birthday!' to the alleged torturer and employer of assassins. She then announced to the crowd that everyone seemed 'happy' in Grozny, which the people in Grozny seriously doubt. Her appearance fee is, as yet, unknown, but Human Rights Watch, the organisation that keeps an eye on tyrannies, stepped in to tell her off. 'Ramzan Kadyrov is linked to a litany of horrific human rights abuses,' it said in a statement. 'It is inappropriate for stars to get paid to party with him. It bolsters his image and legitimises a brutal leader and his regime. And getting paid to be part of such a lavish show in Chechnya trivialises the suffering of countless victims of human rights abuses there.'

Angry human rights organisations are Kryptonite for celebrities; they can melt their careers and leave them sobbing husks of once fair flesh. In the end, prostrate at the terrible publicity, Swank apologised, saying she 'deeply regrets' attending the event, and adding that she did not know that Kadyrov is accused of organising multiple abductions and assassinations and that she 'wanted be an advocate for peace in Chechnya'. Don't we all? Jean-Claude Van Damme, also present at the party, behaved even worse. Not only did he keep calling Chechnya 'Chechena', but he shouted, 'I love you Mr Kadyrov!' at the end of his speech. He has since returned to have dinner with Kadyrov who must be a really big fan of Universal Soldier.

As Swank does Pilates and sulks, dropped even by her own PR team, we wonder how the double-Oscar winner and advocate for women with cancer (she donated her own hair for a wig) fell so swiftly into chaos. But she is not alone. There is a global industry of celebrity personal appearances; they stalk the world in private jets, commanding vast fees for entertaining often grotesque people. Check the provenance of celebrity photos, rather than just stare at their teeth, and you will learn that stars turn up in some rather dark places, for money. Kylie Minogue, for example. Can you imagine her doing anything naughty? Ha! She appeared at the opening of the Atlantis hotel in Dubai in 2008 and hung out with deputy ruler Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum. The party cost £13.5 million, said the drooling press release. Dubai is notoriously repressive - homosexuality, adultery and cross-dressing are all illegal. If Kylie will promote somewhere so 'off brand', who won't?

Beyoncé, Mariah Carey, Usher and Nelly Furtado all appeared at parties hosted by the Gaddafis, the murderous tyrants of Libya, before the regime fell and the family stopped being so socially 'hot'. In 2007, Furtado sang at a private party for the Gaddafis in Italy; she received $1 million for a 45-minute set. In 2008, Mariah Carey performed for them in St Barths on New Year's Eve; she was also paid $1 million, for singing four songs at the event organised by Saif al-Islam Gaddafi, one of the dictator's sons. In 2009 another Gaddafi son, Mutassim, hired Beyoncé and Usher for New Year's Eve, for a party at the family estate. According to a cable published by WikiLeaks from the American Embassy in Tripoli to the State Department, the party featured 'copious amounts of alcohol and a million-dollar personal concert courtesy of Beyoncé, Usher, and other musicians'.

Sharon Stone is also a fan of lucrative PAs. She attended the Federation Fund charity concert with the Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin in St Petersburg in 2010, in the company of Kevin Costner, Gérard Depardieu and Mickey Rourke (who, to be fair, has had so much facial work that he probably can't even see where he's going). It is not known if these men were paid to be there, but it is hard to imagine them leaving LA or the South of France at their own expense for a freezing Russian winter. So they crowded into the hall and Putin, ex-KGB, and muncher of the tender roots of Russian democracy, sang 'Blueberry Hill' while Stone and co cheered him on. It was not the worst of Putin's crimes but it was gruesome. Stone apparently earned $250,000 for the weird privilege of being a YouTube hit with a short tyrant. According to The Independent, the hospital that was supposed to be benefiting from the ball has so far received nothing.

Celebrity greed pops up in the strangest places. Perhaps it is the continual need for attention, with which we collude by giving it to them. Or maybe they are comfortable with tyrants, because they are used to being treated the same way. After Rod Stewart and Julio Iglesias played in Uzbekistan, Sting followed, in a 2010 concert organised by Gulnara Karimova, daughter of its dictator Islam Karimov. They were photographed together - she in tiara, he in beard and bangles. Uzbeki democracy is so rigorous that in the election of 2000 even the leader of the opposition voted for Karimov. According to Human Rights Watch, one opponent of the regime was boiled to death and Karimov likes to conscript armies of cotton-picking child slave labourers. But cultural boycotts are not productive, says Sting, particularly when he is paid more than £1 million to perform. 'I supported wholeheartedly the cultural boycott of South Africa under the apartheid regime,' he said. But not Uzbekistan.

There is now a backlash against disastrous celebrity PAs because, with the rise of a global 24/7 media, camera phones and citizen journalism, they can no longer get away with it. Celebrities are as hunted as they are adored and now they have to say they are sorry. Nelly Furtado promised to give the $1 million she earned for her Gaddafi concert to charity. Mariah Carey released a statement after her Gaddafi concert, confirming that she had appeared at a party, 'thrown by the sons of a vicious, crazy dictator', and added she did not know by whom she had been booked to appear; celebrities are often, despite their vast global profiles, not terribly aware of the world they are bestriding. 'I feel horrible and embarrassed to have participated in this mess,' she said. 'This is a lesson for all artists to learn from. We need to be more aware and take more responsibility, regardless of who books our shows. At the time, Libya was not in the news... Now it's become an issue in hindsight, which is sort of ridiculous.' This is a semi apology - naughty Libya, becoming an issue in hindsight - but she promised to donate funds from a future single to charity. Beyoncé, meanwhile, gave her Gaddafi loot to victims of the Haiti earthquake. 'Once it became known that the third-party promoter was linked to the Gaddafi family, the decision was made to put that payment to a good cause,' she said in a statement posted on her website.

The Huffington Post reports that the Global Philanthropy Group is teaming up with Human Rights Watch to offer a free service to celebrities, advising them who is too wicked to perform for, and who is OK. Because, as we know, they are very, very busy. ES