Grace and Flavour: the Markham Inn

As one expects from Piers Adam and Nick House (Mahiki, Whisky Mist, The Punchbowl) The Markham Inn is a vibrant place for dinner. 'Lively', one might say. OK, it's fun but bloody noisy. I had a three-piece band honking out 'Johnny Be Good' six metres from my nose as I poked through the souped-up gastro-pub menu. Ordering dinner during this glorious racket will test one's Marcel Marceau mime skills. Sparkling water was easy: I mimed a tap, then added jazz-hand flourishes to indicate bubbles. Just don't ask me how I communicated my starter, 'the warm tart'.

Thankfully, the tart's rich, oozing, garlicky Gruyère and mushroom filling was worth my shame. Smoked mackerel pâté with beetroot was delicious but delicate - I prefer mackerel saltier with more oomph, but then I'm little more than a glorified navvy.

Service at The Markham is faultless. Or perhaps waitress service everywhere is zippier when you're having dinner with David Gandy - a man paid to look melancholic in underpants for Dolce & Gabbana. We gossip about Top Gear, Clarkson, David's collection of sports cars, my seven failed driving tests and David's wish that I never attempt an eighth. Hurtful. Honestly, you give one BSM instructor a nervous breakdown and you never hear the end of it. Steak frites arrived: sturdy, non-negotiable portions served on wooden boards. Seared tuna appeared on a bed of not-so-great chopped green tomato salsa. Its more challenging mystery ingredients I might have got to the bottom of had I not been distracted by a six-foot, size-zero Russian 18-year-old, in a barely there skirt and stockings, who had table-hopped to kiss a boy, which caused merry passive-aggressive hell with his girlfriend.

Puddings at The Markham are comforting: warm plum pie with vanilla ice cream, knickerbocker glory, a slab of chocolate terrine with pink sparkly sugar and a pistachio sauce. In a selfless bid to keep the chef busy, I sampled all of them. Marvellous. The Markham is a holy fuss of Chelsea faces, laughing, eating, plotting, supping, refuelling and carousing. By 11pm there's a speakeasy vibe as the band plays. You'll go for the food, but you'll go back for the atmosphere.

THE MARKHAM INN
2 Elystan Street, SW3 (020 7581 9139)