Grace and Flavour: The Balcon

In principle, I'm an ardent fan of London's all-day brasseries such as The Wolseley and Pall Mall's fresh blood, The Balcon. As a long-time freelancer I eschew regular earthly eating times. If I need to eat eggs and drink Pol Roger at 4pm, having just pressed 'send' on a chapter and changed into heels from pyjamas and a fishing jumper, you'll find me at The Wolseley. Or The Kitchen at Shoreditch House, which often witnesses me snivelling 'My editor doesn't understand me; I'm an artist' into a bowl of 5pm breakfast spaghetti.

So I want to adore minx-ish, chic Wolseley-alike The Balcon - recently redesigned to resemble Coco Chanel's apartment. It sits prettily in the elegant Sofitel hotel, in that gorgeous bit of Crown Estate London where everyone's a diplomat, a wealthy voyager or trying to exhaust visiting parents. 'Come, soak in the atmosphere,' they say in the blurb, so I do, circa Sunday lunchtime, and there's no one there except a legion of diligent staff and five sleepy hotel guests having brunch. No sign of the Champagne Angel who allegedly advises you how to drink booze, something I've coped perfectly well without for the past two decades.

The menu heaves with challenging, foodie franglais fayre such as pike custard with brown shrimps, crustacean velouté and sourdough toast (a ramekin of lukewarm fishy, eggy, shrimpy gloop, the memory of which still makes my friend look bilious). I spotted a starter of brioche 'toad in the hole' with Lyonnaise pistachio sausage and garlic confit chicken jus and I started dreaming of the king of warm, crispy, battery, gar-licky comfort food. No dice: a hunk of cold brioche was delivered with a cold, thick slice of sausage, green leaves and a jug of hot gravy. (Salad and gravy? They could tell I was Northern.)

We ordered Cumbrian beef fillet with bone marrow crust, which arrived grey, tough and certainly not set to give the chef at Hawksmoor Guildhall sleepless nights. I chose the Cornish monkfish tail, Bath chorizo and Puy lentil stew. At £24.25 I was picturing a hearty dish. In reality it was a small dinner plate of vinegary Puy lentils and a fish fillet. The Balcon's fine citrussy rice pudding saved the meal, but at £140 for two, I needed a sweetener.