Grace and Flavour

Stokey folk moaning about couscous? I always imagined Clissold Park had a giant Acme cement mixer of the stuff running near the pygmy goat enclosure, so the militant lactivist mummies could fill a Lakeland resealable bag without their toddlers missing a boob-squirt. 'What are they moaning about?' I quacked.

Within days, I was set to choke on these words, with a side of humble pie. Putting aside for a moment that Clissold Park House is an enormous, aural-torture zone bursting to the gills with other people's babies making noises like fire alarms, running around, throwing food and vomiting, it's really quite a pretty place to grab a cup of tea. It's all Farrow & Ball neutrals, table service, bespoke cupcakes, cute miniature milk bottles, Dyson hand dryers and power mummies with one tit out sorting out a EU initiative budget issue on conference call.

I decided to bash through the menu, a dining experience I'll grade as 'mystifying'. 'Couscous and spiced carrots' is actually a plate of wilted rocket with a scattering of couscous, clearly plated up just after snowman season when carrots were at a premium. A chorizo and chickpea stew came with two large hunks of stale toasted bread and a mystery meat that transpired to be squid. A slice of leek quiche arrived, icy cold and soggy, the cheap-tasting pastry sitting in a puddle of water with an undressed salad on the side. This being the only pastry-based item I've been unable to eat in almost four decades, I've had it preserved by my official biographer.

My friend ordered sticky toffee pudding and custard (I say 'friend'; he won't return my calls since our outing), 'We don't have sticky toffee pudding, we've got bread pudding,' he was told. After an age, a plate carrying a piece of rock-hard, slightly burned, cold flapjack appeared followed by a miniature jug of stone-cold Ambrosia custard. 'I still need some lunch,' I mumbled as I settled the bill of almost £40. Give Stokey back its stodge. This place has had its chips.

* Clissold Park Cafe, Stoke Newington, Church Street N16, (020 7923 9797)