Go figure: How to get a Bond Girl body

Is Bond, James Bond, really all that? Obviously he’s a weapon of mass destruction but, when it comes to seduction, is he actually the bomb, slicing through all those ladies, waving his magic wand about and branding them forever Bond Girls?

What about this for a theory: Bond is being had — literally and metaphorically — again and again by a load of dames who know precisely what they’re doing. They don’t sleep with him on a first date because he renders them incapable of resistance and all-consumingly lust-lit. They have sex with him because they have been around the block once or twice and he looks reasonable in a pair of swimming trunks and they’ve worked out that, as a point of honour, he will probably deliver. You can bet your bottom dollar that when Bond, James Bond, is thinking of England he is doing his very best.

But here’s the thing. If you’re a bit free with your favours, it can’t show on your face. You don’t want to look lived-in. And so freshness is key. When Her Majesty’s secret agent kisses you goodbye and, confident that it’s a job well done, leaves you tangled in sheets, you might lie around unprecedentedly satisfied. Or you might head off to Kamini Beauty in Kensington to counteract the effects of a sleepless night with a Caci Facial, a hard-working and time-efficient treatment that combines microcurrent facial toning, microdermabrasion and LED rejuvenation. It brightens skin, plumps contours, erases blemishes and assassinates sagging effectively enough to have you back in the beauty saddle in time for Martinis.

If there’s no time for a facial, or you’re stuck on a submarine, a private island, or somewhere similarly awkward, then, as any seasoned seductress will tell you, you must have about your person/evening dress/wetsuit/parachute a vial of Dr Sebagh Serum Repair, the deadly enemy of morning-after skin, and a tube of the ultra-hydrating Oskia Get Up & Glow, which is such a good youth-giving elixir it will fool even those trained to see straight through subterfuge.

The Bond Girl prerequisite is to look as though you were born beautiful. No effort required. To look sexual but never porny. These bodies are weapons, with thighs that can squeeze the life from a man. They are bodies for seduction and betrayal, but they (with the admirable exception of Grace Jones) don’t look dangerous. They are not cut and sculpted and solid. What they all have in common is poise and silhouette. Super-trainer Tim Weeks will blast fat and sculpt curves while using his Olympian background to simultaneously make you injury-proof and warrior-strong. His techniques are phenomenally motivating and uniquely energising, releasing even the laziest lady’s inner athlete. Bond Girls have to scale cliffs in high heels, ski across peaks without a warm-up, and dive into the sea in sequined floor-length frocks. They need to be strong.

Diptyque Smoothing Body Polish is rich in pomegranate seed oil, jasmine floral water and peach butter to scrub without stripping. Chantecaille Pro Retinol Body Treatment uses active botanicals to work on damaged skin while giving a silky finish. Whack on some of This Works Perfect Legs Skin Miracle (it bronzes and makes things gleam), sculpt your cleavage, abs, cheekbones and jawline with some of MAC’s genius new Sculpting Cream (you can paint on contours), squirt on some Jo Malone Orange Blossom and you might find yourself as close as you’re going to get to Ursula Andress.

This is beauty for the sake of beauty, not grooming. But raggedly bleeding cuticles are not hot to a man like Bond. Those — and much else — can be remedied with a pot of HealGel. Developed by the world’s leading plastic surgeons, it will treat spots, bruises and scratches. But, beware: it will not heal your heart. If your very own he-man has done you some emotional damage, then pay a visit to hypnotist Susan Hepburn on Harley Street. Renowned as a weight-loss expert (one Bond Girl I know lost 40kg, and it stayed off), she might be able to turn around your pulverised sense of self-worth so you live to die another day. Because that’s life. But as a Bond Girl, you already know that.

Chantecaille at uk.spacenk.com; diptyqueparis.co.uk; drsebagh.com; healgel.co.uk; jomalone.co.uk; kaminibeauty.com; maccosmetics.co.uk; oskiaskincare.com; susanhepburn.com; thisworks.com; timweeks.co.uk