I have a spreadsheet to rank my friends — and ghost them if they don’t perform

Lose one point if you have a baby, gain one for ‘unusualness’. Assigning a points system to friendships isn’t brutal, it’s pragmatic, says Flora Gill. People use data to track their finances and career success — why not their mates too?

Evening Standard composite

Flora Gill

3 February 2023

It’s a Thursday night, I’m two glasses of wine down and my boyfriend and I are engaging in our favourite activity — ranking and rating our friends. This is not some relaxed game for pleasure, it’s serious business, like a tax return but with far more judgment, and until now we’ve kept it under wraps.

Because I’m aware how it makes us look: insane, maniacal, unhinged. The kind of people who keep their baby teeth in an ornate box, or organise their bookshelves by colour. While I’m not denying I deserve to sit in that category I am willing to bet I will convert some of you to create your own model by the end of this piece.

First, a caveat. If you know me in real life, don’t ask me your score. In fact, please pretend you haven’t read this article. Because if you ask me, I’m going to say you are a 10 — that’s right, you and you alone sit at the top of the table. I will be lying, you will know I am lying and it’s just going to get uncomfortable.

Before you judge me, examine your own life and the amount of planning and data that goes into it. Your life is meticulously organised with a calendar, your success at work is measured by evidence, and when you book a holiday, will you randomly select a hotel, or will you do some research first?

In fact, will you purchase anything without looking at how strangers rated it online? Even our love lives aren’t immune, with many people finding partners through apps that work on algorithms. Why, when we let data and numbers impact every part of our lives, do we not use the same model for the most important parts of our private lives?

Shasta Nelson describes herself as a “friendship expert” and is the author of Frientimacy: How to deepen friendships, for lifelong health and happiness. “I’m a big fan of regularly assessing our relationships. It’s important to be clear what our goals are, who we want to prioritise, and what actions we can take to keep us feeling connected.”

Nelson tells me: “We know the importance of tracking things that are important to us — whether it be what we spend money on, how many steps we walk each day, or what we eat—relationships are as important”

I am now in my early thirties and my friendships are no longer as simple as “are they in the same form at school?” or “do they have the same unhealthy obsession with Rupert Head?”

I am not going to be friends with someone just because we agreed to 15 years ago or because we are in the same group, and I don’t think making new friends should stop in adulthood.

It started innocently enough. It began with my boyfriend and I trying to decide who to invite for a pizza party last summer. We recently hosted a dinner where we accidentally invited two friends from different groups whom we had forgotten had slept together five years ago — the encounter lasted less than four minutes and has caused more than five years of uncomfortable interactions. As a result of our flawed invite list the evening was as awkward as their silent walk to buy the pill the next morning. So, having learnt our lesson, for the new party we made a list of potential guests and their known clashes — the list became a table on a shared Google document. It began as normal but it has evolved, it has mutated, it’s psychotic, and it’s so incredibly useful.

Let me run you through the criteria. Every person I know or meet ends up with a ranking out of 10. Your first five points are how “fun” you are — that’s subjective but it’s important. Your next five points are determined by five separate criteria. You score a point for “unusualness”, meaning are the things we do together particularly memorable — if it is always a night of Catan, you are not getting the point.

Next we have mutuality — are you inviting me to things as much as I’m inviting you? If a person only ever accepts invites but doesn’t return them, you will get a zero.

Then, do they have interesting friends (some of my best friends have been met through other friends). Next, how often do you accept my invitation (30 per cent and above will get you a point).

Finally there’s a bonus point for if the last time we hung out was notable. The criteria are not fixed and new ones will get added or removed depending on what I value at that moment in time.

The criteria are not fixed and new ones will get added or removed depending on what I value at that moment in time

For example, a new category was added this month that doesn’t give a point but removes one. If you are also a woman in your thirties, you will know about the big divide when you get into this age bracket so I have introduced a one-point deduction if you have a newborn baby.

It’s only one point — you’re not struck off the list but let’s not pretend that our priorities are the same. I’m in denial of my age and if I find myself covered in bodily fluids on a Saturday night, I want them to be my own. And when your child is old enough to entertain me, hype me up, or pour me a gin and tonic, the penalty will be removed.

The table also holds other useful information when organising an event. I can filter by friend group. If I want to just invite people I met at university, I can order it according to the last time we met, and (one of my favourite additions for when organising a dinner), I can filter it by who can “middle” — a term coined by Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm, referring to the ability to sit in the middle at a dinner and hold conversation.

Flora Gill keeps track of her friendships on a spreadsheet

Flora Gill

Within the first few months of its creation the table was omitting useful information. It made me realise that my friend Mia from university was someone I valued a lot but who I hadn’t seen for more than two years — we organised a dinner the next week.

It also made me aware of a friend from school who, while I kept inviting her to events out of loyal habit, was, in reality, no longer a friend and didn’t feel the same need to reciprocate.

I value my friends more than almost anything in my life. They make everything better. But I have also seen people I love be treated appallingly by supposed friends. They are similar to relationships — they have to be nurtured and you have to know when to let them go. Which is why if someone on the table falls below a four out of 10, they get automatically highlighted in red and, once reviewed, moved to the graveyard tab.

If someone on the table falls below a four out of 10 they get moved to the graveyard tab

It may sound brutal but time is precious and filling your life with legacy friends who no longer enrich it is a waste of time. Professor Robin Dunbar is an expert in evolutionary psychology and specialises in friendship.

He confirms that friendships are not meant to last forever. “Friendships actually turn over all the time. Only a handful remain constant. There comes a time when a friendship has served its time and no longer fulfils the needs it should — that’s when it’s time to replace it.”

I toyed with the idea of creating an automatic emailing system embedded in my table that would send someone a note thanking them for their years of companionship and wishing them the best for the future but now I simply stop contacting them.

By keeping track of my friendships I think it has made me a more appreciative friend. Friendships deserve the same attention as every other part of our lives. So next time you see me, you had better bring your A game or prepare to be docked a couple points.

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I have a spreadsheet to rank my friends — and ghost them if they don’t perform

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