The crush: Malia Obama

If only we could have rescued Malia Obama from The Most Boring Summer Holiday In The World, Ever — accompanying Mum, Dad and little sis to the G8 Summit in sunny Northern Ireland.

Her glum face said it all, and Crush remembers that feeling well. Oh, how we longed for glamorous jet-setting parents who would whisk us off to India, not traipse us around Devon’s finest Arts and Crafts houses telling us that one day we’d thank them. We would have totally chaperoned the 14-year-old in London last week (and saved her from having to sit through Riverdance), in that ‘cool family friend who says “awesome” too much and lets you eat non-Michelle-approved snacks’ kind of way.

We’d have taken her to Vauxhall’s R&B roller disco, gone shopping in Westfield Stratford City and convinced her to ditch the J Crew smocks for some on-trend dungaree shorts. We’d have grabbed lunch at Dirty Burger and rounded off the day with her sexy security guys singing karaoke at Lucky Voice. We’re pretty sure she’d have had an ‘awesome’ time. So, Malia, call us when you’re next on this side of the pond, and we’ll really show you a good time.