Ben Machell steps up to the mic for a round of stag do karaoke

So, last time, I was halfway through telling you about a mate’s stag do in London. What had begun with me being trapped in a centrifugal death spiral at the Olympic velodrome will now end with me doing karaoke in town. The cycling was traumatic. But karaoke? Karaoke I can manage.

In fact, over the years, I have developed into a quietly confident karaoke artist. It’s not that I can sing, not as such, but more what I consider my ability to interpret, convey and connect. And making that connection with the audience is key. You have to look at the other people in the room — properly stare at them — for the duration of the whole song. It also helps, I have found, to grip the microphone as tightly as possible. Do not allow it to be prised from your hands until you’ve finished. You have rights. I really can’t stress that enough.

I knew what I was going to sing. Barbra Streisand’s ‘Woman in Love’ remains one of the most hauntingly erotic songs ever recorded and I’d been giving some pretty big talk about how I was going to unleash it on our group of eight lagered-up thirty-somethings. Only then we got to the venue and a quiet doubt took hold. As each of us took the mic to perform a string of modern classics — Avril Lavigne’s ‘Sk8er Boi’, R Kelly’s ‘Ignition (Remix)’, anything by Will Smith — I felt increasingly self-conscious about doing my Streisand number.

Why? Perhaps it was the crowd. I mean, half of the guys were from Norwich, so I thought that maybe they weren’t the massive Babs fans that most red-blooded metropolitan males are. Anyway, by the time the groom had downed a dirty pint, we were all singing Rage Against the Machine, so I knew my chance had passed.

Afterwards, I felt sheepish. I felt like I’d not just let myself down but also Streisand and, to a lesser extent, Barry and Robin Gibb, who had originally written the track. Why hadn’t I just sung it? The next week was a vortex of self-doubt until, the following weekend, I was at my friend Laura’s wedding party when I saw she had hired a mobile karaoke booth. Immediately, I knew what I had to do. I gripped the mic, shut my eyes tight and gave ‘Woman in Love’ absolutely everything. And as I hit the high notes, I was myself once more. I was redeemed.