A: A vital buttress against the abuse of power by the government of the day.
B: Undoubtedly elite, out-of-touch and faintly absurd in their fancy dress, but they get things right as often as they get things wrong.
C: Quite literally wiping their bottoms on the democratic will of the masses.
2. Immigration is:
A: Vital to a multicultural city like London. What’s going to happen to my Spanish reflexologist and Portuguese cleaner, for goodness sake?
B: A benefit to the economy, but also a legitimate concern of the native population in areas left behind.
C: Closed now. Isn’t that what we voted for?
3. Paul Nuttall is:
A: The Fisher Price Oswald Mosley.
B: Better looking than Nigel Farage, at least.
C: The victim of a ‘co-ordinated, cruel and almost evil smear campaign’ as all the lying mainstream media, er, reported him as saying.
4. What is most likely to upset your delicate mental state?
A: The prospect of endless passport queues eating into a weekend jaunt to Naples.
B: The issue of whether it infringes on a gay couple’s rights if a Christian baker refuses to bake them a wedding cake, or whether it infringes on a Christian baker’s rights if he is forced to.
C: The whole transgender thing, especially the bathroom issue. Or a straight banana, one or the other.
5. That whole ‘We’ll give £350m to the NHS’ written-on-the-side-of-a-bus thing was:
A: A scandal.
B: A long time ago.
C: A legitimate tactic in a bitter political fight in the post-fact era.
6. Climate change is:
A: Affecting the ski slopes in Europe now!
B: A matter of debate.
C: LA LA LA LA LA CAN’T HEAR YOU!
7. When workers at Iceland were told not to share images of ‘robbing toerags’ because it infringed on their privacy under the data protection act, your reaction was:
A: What’s a toerag?
B: Why does British law affect what happens
in Iceland?
C: I’ll tell you what it is, it’s political correctness gone mad!
8. In discussion, you are most likely to compare Donald Trump to:
A: Hitler, or if I’m feeling particularly clever, Louis XIV the Sun King.
B: Henry VIII, but I’m waiting for him to marry three more wives, or for a meme of him gnawing a chicken leg to appear.
C: Ronald Reagan. He, too, was wilfully misunderstood by the elite but not by the American people (*salutes imaginary flag*).
9. When in a mixed social gathering of people you don’t know well, the book, film and musician you will admit to liking are:
A: Yuval Noah Harari’s Homo Deus, Moonlight and Stormzy.
B: Joanna Trollope’s City of Friends, The Lego Batman Movie and Adele.
C: The New John Grisham — whatever it’s called — Fifty Shades Darker and Little Mix.
10. Lactose and/or gluten intolerance is:
A: A very real thing that can seriously impair one’s enjoyment of life, actually.
B: A classic example of #middleclassproblems and a sign that relative wealth and the endurance of the post-war liberal consensus have made us morally flabby and moribund; perhaps we really NEEDED a shake-up.
C: Oh just shut up and have a bloody bacon sandwich and a frothy coffee, why don’t you?!
HOW DID YOU SCORE?
Mostly A
You are a metropolitan elitist and you might like to consider investing in a bunker.
Mostly B
You are a bit confused, and trying to have your Hardihood raw cheesecake but also eat your Mr Kipling fondant fancy, as it were.
Mostly C
You’re a populist warrior, armed for battle but dangerously thin-skinned. You know what the people want, but can you understand a different point of view.
