If you can't stand the eat...

Sending me on a cooking course is a bit like sending a two-year-old to study classics at Oxford. I don't know the difference between a spatula and a tong, I think a reduction has something to do with dieting and I have no idea why a shallot is better than an onion.

The new wave of TV chefs have sort of opened my eyes to cooking. I now know I want a really cool-looking silver hob thing and fresh tufts of coriander so I can impress my mother-in-law. I have learnt to do a couple of things (roast chicken, chilli, bacon and egg butty) but that's it. I'm someone who got suspended from home economics when I was 13 for sneezing in Leonora Evans's quiche. Basically, I've always lived near a good Thai takeaway.

However, Le Manoir aux Quat' Saisons, in Oxfordshire is run by Michelin-starred, very sexy, clever man Raymond Blanc and, after a bit of teaching, you get to eat a sevencourse 'menu gourmand' and then stay the night.

Raymond has been cooking up a storm at Le Manoir for the past 18 years and they're very serious about their cooking school.

Starters

There are all sorts of different flavour courses and I opted for the brand new nutrition course. Apparently you learn about the goodness of certain food and then cook it. Raymond does this with Amanda Ursell, the GMTV nutritionist who writes books about vitamins with avocados on the cover.

I got there at 9am and was instantly given a white chef's coat and burgundy grown-up apron (I'm such a sucker for a uniform) and was introduced to the other seven wannabe chefs. They all seemed nice and we made friends fast (someone had never cooked before - I made her hold my hand).

In the private dining room, we had a chat from Raymond and Amanda. Raymond was passionate about the horrors of food engineering and the importance of eating together as a family. Amanda was exceedingly pretty in a dark green sweater and knows everything about food. Strawberries are good news if you live in the city because of their bioflavinoids (seriously) that work against the horrors of pollution. She talked of our obsessions with 'good' and 'bad' foods and made an awful lot of sense about chocolate (it's not that bad - it is allowed).

Mains

It was now time to move into the kitchen to make breakfast. Everyone had to make their own smoothie. I was given pineapple, strawberries, soya milk and - wait for it - celery, which made me want to be sick. Whizzed up in a processor, it didn't taste so bad and Amanda made sure I knew that it would be good for my energy levels and immune system.

Raymond introduced us to bread and pointed out that a bowl of cornflakes has one whole gram of salt in it. Beef bourguignon was next on the menu and we gasped with delight as Raymond chucked bits of meat in the air and sprinkled sprigs of thyme into the mix. He made it all look very easy as he crushed garlic with his massive knife and stuck a steaming pot of deliciousness in the oven.

We were told we were going to make our own lunch, a tian of crab followed by chicken fricassee with vinegar and herbs served with lentils and herb puree. Yeah, right. I had to try hard not to laugh out loud.

I quickly made friends with a girl with a ponytail (they were always good at school) and we set to work. Ametal ring that had to be filled with crushed avocado and olive oil and then crab was stuck on top. Chives had to be delicately placed around the plate and this all supposedly tasted better with a spicy tomato coulis.

Lewis, a boy who is at one-star level in the Blanc kitchen, was extremely helpful. Aguttural moan must have emanated from my end of the kitchen when everyone else knew what chervil was. He quickly got me some, chopped it and helped with stirring.

The chicken dish was fun because we had to glaze it in a hot pan and then chuck in some whole garlic and tomatoes. Half-an-hour later, clutching a really nice glass of wine I sat down to eat the lunch. We all fell off our chairs. Raymond was a genius - he had taught us how to cook.

Afters

After chatting about the pros and cons of Burger King (I really shouldn't eat there) we returned to the kitchen to learn how to make nine more dishes. They included a chocolate mousse, which made the girls go slightly bonkers and smear it on each other's faces, and an assortment of extraordinarily good soups - essence of tomato, watercress and vegetable - all of which blew my mind.

Blanc only uses the purest of ingredients. Mounds of salt and sugar aren't thrown into the pot and the intensity of pure flavours is over-powering. The tomato essence, apparently a Manoir 'classic', is a delicious taste sensation. It involves marinating tomatoes and then letting them 'hang' over a bowl for up to six hours. Sounds complicated but then looked like a piece of cake.

We finished the day by mastering roasted red peppers with cous cous. Cous cous is one of those ingredients that gives me the willies. I would have absolutely no idea how to cook it. Raymond taught us the simple way in three minutes and then he added all sorts of goodies such as pine nuts (a personal favourite), pumpkin seeds and fennel. This is stuffed into roasted red peppers and then left to sit. It would impress Delia.

We ended the day with a glass of Champagne in the Manoir gardens. Amanda moved round the group and gave really useful nutritional advice to us all, remembering our particular questions and worries. Is salt bad? Can I drink wine? Afancy folder with all the recipes was presented with Raymond's cooking book with a guide to nutrition and then it was time to say goodbye. Boyfriends and girlfriends arrived and the holiday bit of the trip started.

I was staying in the Gallica Rose room that had a bath the size of Camden Town. I showed off my new vocabulary - pantothenic acid (good for anxiety, found in sesame seeds and peanuts) and Vitamin K (helps with morning sickness, and is in broccoli and sprouts) - and explained the difference between saut?eing, poaching and steaming. Agog, my husband punched the air with his fist and it was time for the grand menu gourmand. After tasting Raymond's turbot delicately flavoured with rosemary, and a pistachio souffl? that made me do a lone Mexican wave, I've realised that I can't cook after all. I'm going back to Taxin Thai for a number 42.

? Nutrition Course - £400 (includes one night in hotel and Menu Gourmand. Le Manoir Aux Quat' Saisons, call 01844 278881 or visit www.blanc.co.uk