Why I don't trust dancers

Obviously, you can never trust a man who is a good dancer: you have to wonder where he's been practising and with whom. Dancing in the era of the foxtrot and waltz was, of course, much more stylised and mannered, and brought with it the full eroticism of that repressed era.

The fact that Wallis Simpson's secret lover, Guy Marcus Trundle, a car salesman, was described as "a charming adventurer, good-looking and an excellent dancer", might be synonymous today with a bad boy. Snake-hipped equals snake. One of those men who loves women - not one special one, just lots of them, all at the same time.

Personally, men who can dance never appealed to me because I can't. So all of that stuff about a vertical expression of horizontal desire is completely lost on me. If you want to do something horizontal why would you want to be confusing and do it vertically in the first place? It already seems duplicitous. And there's something very controlling about a man who would want to learn to put his moves in all the right places.

It's never about spontaneous rhythm of the soul, it's about practised posing and posturing. Anything with that much polish is going to be slippery.

Although dancing between the wars was a much more significant form of courtship than it is now, the same rules of "never trust" can be applied today. Think Michael Jackson. A very good dancer. I wouldn't trust him with my cat. Justin Timberlake is just absurd. Those bendy boy-band members can never grow up and be taken seriously because no one can forget they once danced in formation. And who could ever forget George Michael's ridiculous posturing?

I've never had a relationship with a man who was fabulous on the dancefloor; it wouldn't suit me. If they were a great dancer I would feel self-conscious that I wasn't as good. Or if they were a bad dancer I would have to pretend they weren't with me. Although I would secretly think that this is a solid trait in a man.

Who would you rather date: the nimble-toed Bobby Brown or Damon Albarn, who can barely shuffle up to the bar?

My father is an excellent dancer. He would make my mother look as if she was on wheels. And let me tell you, that was the only time they were ever in harmony. The point is that people who dance well together do not necessarily have a great time together elsewhere. Although the man might prefer it if the rest of the world thought they did.

I like to think of Simpson and Trundle as the Torvill and Dearm. When you think about all those big dancing partnerships - Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds - the chemistry was usually in the ballroom, not the bedroom.

Although I've never liked the idea of being swept off my feet, I'm willing to make an exception for John Travolta, who is, of course, mesmerising in the way he moves, whether it's with his Fever strut or his slick Pulp Fiction slink.

His kind of dancing is all about the act itself, it's not a means to an end, it's just part of who he is. And the interesting thing is, we've never once seen him dance in public with his wife.