Welcome to London, Gwyneth

Black actors' Oscar glory

She may have presented an Oscar last night, but apparently Gwyneth Paltrow is sick of Hollywood. Soon she will be trying out London Underground's sliding doors for real.

Gwynnie wants to leave her £1.5 million townhouse in Greenwich Village and move to England. She's starring in Proof at the Donmar Warehouse in May, and after that, she says: "I'd like to stay in Europe for a while, maybe in London, Berlin or Paris, and wait for something really exciting."

Perhaps that "something really exciting" will involve finding herself a husband. The word is that Gwynnie may no longer be seeing Luke Wilson, her co-star on The Royal Tenenbaums. After three high-profile relationships with Hollywood men, it's likely she wants to find her own Guy Ritchie here, like her good friend Madonna. Apparently, she's thinking "about marrying and having children but at the moment I don't have any concrete designs on how that should happen, it all lies in God's hands."

Well, Gwynnie's a girl who's not above giving God a helping hand. If she's moving to London, she'll be hanging out at the hippest joints and the coolest launches. In the past, she's flown over for Mario Testino's party for the opening of his exhibition at the National Portrait Gallery, the Sotheby's NSPCC Bulgari party and the premieres of Sliding Doors, Shakespeare in Love and Emma - all terribly, terribly English, and all wall-to-wall with eligible bachelors.

But there may be another reason behind the mooted move. It would appear that Paltrow is trying to shed her head-girl reputation. The whole "I do yoga at 4am for two hours every morning, and I don't eat sugar or wheat - I eat weird health food and meditate" thing is getting a bit stale. She hoped Shallow Hal would change people's perception of her (she's got a sense of humour, honest), and wanted to sex it up a little with her role in The Royal Tenenbaums (she can be a moody-slut playwright with the best of 'em). Maybe she thinks a bit of edgy London cool will rub off on her. And why not, when her best friends Stella McCartney and anglophile Madonna live here already?

She's starring at the Donmar Warehouse, the epicentre of London-luvvie cool. But she also seems to be working with Natural Nylon, a production company set up by Jude Law, Sean Pertwee and Johnny Lee Miller. They had a meeting with Gwyneth and her agent at The Ivy recently. If there's a bad girl in Gwynnie, Jude Law and wife Sadie (best friends with Kate Moss, Leah Wood and Dan Macmillan) will set it free.

When she gets here, her first stop will be a glass of Kabbalah water round at Madonna's (dining with Trudie Styler and Sting, maybe, or Claudia Schiffer and Matthew Vaughn - plus assorted yoga gurus). Or maybe a trip to her old favourite, Nobu, where she used to go with Ben Affleck. She may be tempted to break her macrobiotic diet at Madge's new local Italian - Locanda Locatelli in Seymour Street, W1. Madonna is one of the few who can swing a reservation. Then maybe drinks at the nearby Home House in Portman Square. Until now, alcohol has been off limits, bar the odd glass of wine. "I had one cocktail at a friend's wedding recently," she has said in the past. "And I have a glass of wine if I go out with the girls for a nice dinner." Well, all that's got to stop. Look at Tracey Emin and take a leaf.

If she's aiming to leave the goody-two-shoes stuff behind, Gwynnie should take Stella McCartney as a role model, and think about moving to the ghettofabulous Golbourne Road, W11, home to Joe Fiennes - her co-star in Shakespeare in Love - Damon Albarn and fashion photographer Juergen Teller. McCartney is converting a church there. Civilisation is nearby - after a bite at E&O in Kensington Park Road (fave eaterie of Kate Moss and Nicole Kidman) she can stop by for a few "In the Pink" champagne and Seriously Vodka cocktails at Zig Zag, the new bar on the former frontline, All Saints Road. She can also pick up some antiques for her new house at Les Couilles du Chien (we'll leave you to translate it), and stop off for second-hand chic at Relik, also on Golbourne Road, haunt of vintagefashion junkies. Then she could drop by the elusive designer Alice Temperley on Colville Mews. Paul Smith on Westbourne Grove is a great place to find eligible men, before a quick pint at the Windsor Castle, Campden Hill Road, á la Madonna.

And while she's looking for a house, she may well stay at her old favourite, Blakes Hotel in South Ken, as she probably won't want to go back to the Halcyon, Holland Park, where she stayed when dating Brad Pitt. While she's around Brompton Cross, she should execute the next stage of her London makeover. Cool girls aren't clotheshorses for Versace and Calvin Klein, they get one-off things from little boutiques such as the newly opened Tashia, in Walton Street, SW3, before big fan Elle Macpherson snaps them all up. Here she can get hippie-style foot pendants (they tie round your toe), Satchi Rolling Stone skirts and Beatles bags (saying Help!), or some vintage Vietnam patchwork skirts by designer Juliette Dunn.

Beauty-wise, she'll be round to Madonna's favourite beautician, Linda Meredith, at Beauchamp Place. Meredith sees Jude Law, Sadie Frost, Martine McCutcheon and Kate Moss ("She's here all the time," Meredith tells me, "she has Clear Oxygen Crystal treatments, Yonka facials, and fake tans. She had one in the middle of lunch at San Lorenzo once, and went back all streaky"). Gwyneth also claims Brazilian waxing at J Sisters in New York has changed her life. When in London she goes to Otylia Roberts at Daniel Hersheson, Conduit Street. As it's a barber's as well, there's always a supply of eligible male customers - such as Hugh Grant, Neil Morrissey and JoaquÌn CortÈs.

Then there's make-up. "Beauty, to me, is about being comfortable in your own skin," she says. "That, or a kickass red lipstick." So she should capitalise on her sexy role in The Royal Tenenbaums. All her make-up for the movie was by 3C (she wore Warm Lipstick palette, £34, Bronze Ready to Wear Eye Shadows, £14, Brow Powder, also used as eye liner, £14, and Cool Beige gloss, £12). 3C is only available at Pout, Covent Garden, where Kylie, Anna Friel and Dustin Hoffman shop.

And then we come to Gwynnie's nightlife. Of course, she could cut to the chase by hiring Quintessentially, which specialises in getting people into the coolest parties, restaurants and bars (Kate Moss has asked it to sort out her schedule). It may recommend Kabaret, Upper St John Street, Soho, after it threw Madonna's Drowning World after-party there. It's frequented by such young heirs as Will Astor, Freddie Windsor, Fritz von Westenholz and Tom Parker Bowles. But the newest club on the block is Elysium. The place is a former Masonic temple in the basement of CafÈ Royal, at 68 Regent Street. With its temple-shaped sofas, Moroccan lanterns, and mosaic-tiled alcoves with sumptuous draperies, it's now a Moorish harem - just the ticket. The five bars and private rooms will be opening on 10 April.

For the launch, she can drop by men's tailors Spencer Hart, 36 Savile Row. He can make her a bespoke suit, while she checks out the hubby potential - in its first week it lured rockstar Bryan Ferry, actor Sean Penn and Dan Macmillan (son of the Earl of Stockton, who's worth £205 million). And when she's identified her targets, she can have them all for dinner at La Cave, the 12-seater restaurant at 7 Lancashire Court. Prince Andrew, Tim Jefferies, millionaire Robert Hanson, Calum Best (son of George) and Hornblower star Ioan Gruffudd have already visited.

Finally, when she's picked her intended, Gwynnie can take him for a date at the top floor of the Elemis Spa, just next door. There she can share a treatment with him - Madonna's favourite, the Royal Thai Ceremony for two, costs £700 for fouranda-half hours. Cheap at the price.