Trust a man to take the Pill?

Can men be trusted with contraception? The idea that birth control could soon be a male responsibility is almost as revolutionary as the prospect of men giving birth.

Yet doctors have discovered a mixture of hormones which stops sperm production, making the prospect of a 'male Pill' an imminent reality rather than every feminist's dream.

But will men actually take this pill? It works by switching off male testosterone, so killing off the millions of sperm a man produces every day. The trouble is that asking a man to lower his sperm count down to nil is like asking him to bring out a basket of needlepoint on the football terraces.

Doctors can state until they are blue in the face that the process can be reversed, that the sperm will start to swim again a few months after a man has stopped taking the Pill. But how many males would dare believe a doctor when their virility is at stake?

New Age man may cook, he may change nappies, even clean occasionally. But he will draw the line at the notion of his manliness being mucked about with for the sake of some safe sex.

And who can blame him? The Pill has never been what is was supposed to be.

When it came on to the scene in the Sixties, it promised liberation for women. What it delivered, however, was a casual attitude towards sex on the part of both men and women, which has been anything but liberating.

Men immediately dumped all responsibility for birth control on to women, who have had to deal with the consequences ever since, including the recent worrying spread of sexually transmitted diseases.

Protected sex is the safest sex, but the Pill has made it easy to forget about everything except freedom from unwanted pregnancy.

Doctors have claimed that the new male contraceptive will be free of side-effects. But men, quite reasonably, won't trust them on this.

After all, no one told us about the side-effects of the female Pill when it first came on the market. It has taken decades to discover what medically harmful reactions it may produce. The most recent was an increased risk of blood clots and strokes.

In trials of previous male contraceptives, side-effects included mood swings and lack of libido. If these two turn out to persist in the male Pill, the world will be full of men who are alternately hysterical and deeply depressed.

Women have taken the brunt of male jokes about over-reaction to hormones down the years, all the while knowing that if men were slaves to their hormones, they wouldn't just cry as they washed the dishes at certain times of the month, they'd drive the car through the kitchen.

Not only would they be more bad-tempered than women in their moods, they'd also begin to imagine the side-effects that didn't exist.

There is nothing worse than a male hypochondriac. Hangovers would be blamed on the Pill, indolence would become a debilitating and unforeseen consequence of its ingestion.

We women already struggle with the whining misery of men who think a head cold is the bubonic plague. Can you imagine the number of false alarms the male Pill would elicit?

One of the biggest problems with men taking a contraceptive Pill, however, would be whether they could be bothered to remember to take it in the first place and whether, if they hadn't, they would lie about taking it.

Men aren't apt to carry little pill wheel compacts around in their bags. They aren't counting days of the month or thinking about their cycles.

If, at his office desk, a man suddenly remembered he had forgotten to take his pill that day, would he rush home at lunchtime?

No, he'd leave it, in much the same way that he leaves the rubbish in the bin when he should have taken it outside. He knows he'll get to it some time, just not right away.

On the other hand, women continue to take the Pill because all the negatives pale against the prospect of an unwanted pregnancy. Men, generally, don't think about pregnancy when they think about sex. Their minds are otherwise occupied.

When the crucial moment arrives, it's easy to imagine men responding to a woman asking: 'Have you taken the Pill?' with: 'Yes', which might mean: 'Yes, I am responsible, I take it every day as I should.' Or: 'Yes, I took it once two years ago, that should last, shouldn't it?' Or even: 'Yes, I'll take it tomorrow, everything will be cool.'

Except in the heat of passion, they wouldn't bother to expand on the one word, 'Yes'.

Much as we women would like men to take over the issue of birth control, I'm afraid we can't start celebrating yet. Of course, men would go in droves to buy a pill that increases potency, but when their virility is at stake, it is a completely different matter.

The scientists behind the male contraceptive - which at the moment can only be implanted under the skin, though a tablet version could be available in just a few years - say men would need controlled doses of testosterone to make sure their masculinity didn't disappear altogether.

Testosterone to boost masculinity? The very suggestion is an insult.

In addition, they would have to have injections of progestogen, a hormone used in the female Pill. Can you imagine any Alpha Male consenting to that? As one laddish television presenter commented yesterday on this painful subject: 'Nah, no way. The Pill's for my girlfriend.'

More seriously, the idea of men taking these hormones makes me nervous. My GP once gave me testosterone. I didn't want to take HRT and he told me that a small amount of testosterone would help me tackle the tiredness I was suffering. For about a week after taking it, I felt wonderfully strong and full of energy.

Then my voice got deeper, and my shoulders bulked out. I could see a budding female Arnold Schwarzenegger when I looked in the mirror and it scared me so much I threw away the bottle of pills.

So, I don't think I like the prospect of a world full of men ingesting alien hormones, even if they all turn out looking like Catherine Zeta-Jones.

The real breakthrough in science will be when a birth control pill is invented which is not based on the manipulation of hormones.

Even when that happens, we have to recognise the fact that men are different from women, that they aren't the ones who have babies, so will never take contraception as seriously as women do.

The sad truth is that women will keep taking the tablets and men will leave their sperm swimming in peace. Unless, perhaps, they develop a pill to give men headaches.