This Barrymore is fighting back

It was the performance of his career, the moment when Britain's most-loved entertainer fought desperately for his dignity and career. When Michael Barrymore famously appeared on television last year, weeping as he apologised for the mysterious death of Stuart Lubbock in the star's swimming pool after a night of drug-taking and gay sex, most people viewed it as an ill-disguised attempt to garner sympathy and persuade TV bosses to give him one last chance at resurrecting his tarnished career.

Yet through all the furore and recriminations, the one person who could have given a true insight into the bizarre life of Barrymore and the demons that drove him into a near mental breakdown resolved to stay silent. Now his former wife Cheryl is ready to speak out.

Today, sitting in her spacious new mews home in St John's Wood, there is no doubt where her sympathies lie. "I feel incredibly sorry for that family," she says quietly. "I can't imagine what they are going through and it affects me terribly. I've thought about getting in touch with them but I haven't because I've never known how. It's the most awkward situation because it's hard to know what to do for the best.

"My sympathy is with them, but I feel a bit helpless. My natural instinct is to do something, but I worry that it's none of my business. I very much want them to know that if there were anything I could do I would do it. It's funny because they don't know me and I don't know them and yet ..." Cheryl's voice trails off.

It is 16 months since the body of Stuart, 31, was found floating in the open-air pool at Barrymore's £2 million home in Roydon, Essex, which Cheryl had shared with him for 18 years. She had left several years earlier, following Michael's dramatic and public declaration that he was gay, yet she still feels some sort of affinity with the Lubbock family's suffering. So much so, that our interview was postponed initially because it coincided with the first day of the inquest into Stuart's death and Cheryl was too upset to talk. The inquest, at which Barrymore will appear, will not be completed until the autumn.

"That's my house. We built the pool. It was my life and I've taken what happened very badly," she explains. "This has gone on such a long time and I want them to get some answers and some peace. If it were your son, you would want to know why and how; there seem to be so many unanswered questions. I hope at the end of the inquest there will be some relief for them."

Friends of Cheryl hope that the end of the inquest will bring similar relief for her. It is now five years since she last saw or spoke to Michael, yet the hurt is never far from the surface and it is apparent that she is still grieving. A naturally cheerful and confident woman, her experience with Michael has left her fragile. She nurses a glass of champagne during our conversation, barely taking a sip. She insists she has always been nervous in interviews, but laughs and jokes. It is only when she speaks of her marriage that her words falter and her smile disappears.

While newspapers concentrated on Michael and his high-profile gay life after their break-up, Cheryl said nothing. Many assumed that she was simply keeping a dignified silence. The truth was that she could not face anyone.

For not only had Michael's admission overnight destroyed a marriage she had believed was loving and strong, but it also meant the sudden end of her 20-year career. As Michael's single-minded manager, she had built him up from nowhere to create one of the most popular comics of the 1990s, not only managing him, but also creating many of the shows that were the vehicles for his talent. When Michael suddenly revealed he was gay - Cheryl found out like everyone else in 1995 when the comedian announced it live on radio - she lost everything. The couple had a brief attempt at reconciliation, but divorced in 1997.

Cheryl says: "I couldn't work for two years. I stopped going to events I should have gone to because I couldn't face a scene with Michael. There were so many scenes around that time and I did not want to be part of one of them, so I began to check ahead in restaurants so we wouldn't bump into each other.

"Eventually I became very ill. My weight dropped to five stone and I couldn't keep any food down. I was not very big to start with, so I must have looked terrible. I was heavily sedated and had no will to live. I didn't have the energy to do anything. I didn't know where I was. I'd lost my husband, my career, everything, all in one go."

In the years following the breakup there have been suggestions that Cheryl must have known her husband was gay. It is a suggestion she fiercely rejects. "I've always resented being lumped in with those women who knew really, but turned a blind eye. I'm not one of them, I didn't know."

If there is any anger and bitterness inside Cheryl Barrymore, it is well disguised. The only emotions she can't hide are those of immense sadness. Yet she is determined that the show must go on. "I'm an optimistic person and I'm quite resilient. I have some wonderful friends; without them I wouldn't be here today."

One of those friends is Cheryl's first husband Greg Smith. They were briefly married for two years in the 1970s, but her career as a cabaret singer and dancer, and his as a film producer, meant they rarely saw each other. "But we stayed friends and there's not a week goes past that I don't speak to him. Greg was filming for Disney when it happened. He stopped to take me away for six months to a place in Hampshire where he looked after me. No one knew I was there. He was really amazing."

Another friend who came to Cheryl's rescue was millionaire businessman Jay Maggistro. The two had known each other for years; Jay, 38, cut Cheryl's hair when he ran a string of salons. It was Jay who provided a lifeline for Cheryl earlier this year by tempting her back to work, asking her to help launch his exclusive new club, No 5, in Cavendish Square.

Despite rumours to the contrary, they are not romantically involved. "I can understand why people thought that because we spend most of our time together," Cheryl says. "We get on extremely well, but he's married with four children. We are just very good friends."

Jay has spent £25 million refurbishing the venue, which opens in September, and comprises a nightclub, restaurant, two bars, garden, private members' club and luxurious bedroom suites. If the venture is a success, the pair plan to open similar ones in Paris and Rome.

As well as working at the club, Cheryl is tentatively putting her foot back into the television world. She has a new daily ITV series due to air in September, which she helped to devise and produce. Cheryl has also been writing her autobiography, Catch a Falling Star, which is due out in the autumn. "People say writing a book is cathartic, I just found it unbelievably hard," she says. "There's been so much written about Michael and me and I've never once replied. It didn't bother me for a long time, but after a while I wanted to set things straight."

Cheryl lives alone these days with her pet dog Gucci. She sports a new blonde hairstyle and looks years younger than during her marriage break-up. Earlier this year, Cheryl, 52, broke up with Alex Rim, a 27-year-old Swiss fashion designer after a three-and-a-half year affair. They remain close and speak every night on the phone, though Cheryl says she cannot imagine ever falling in love and marrying again.

"I was married for so long and was very happy. It seems a long time ago but Michael was a wonderful husband." Even new friendships are difficult: "I need to be with people that I don't need to explain my background to. That's why I stick so close to home. I'll never be the same. I accept that."

Michael's life today remains a mystery. It is five years since they last met or spoke and while Cheryl has picked herself up and returned to work, his life and career have floundered. Once an almost permanent fixture on television, he has more or less disappeared from public view since the Trevor McDonald interview last year, cutting himself off from his past and surrounding himself with a new group of mainly gay young men.

Cheryl says: "My life and my friends are still there, so it hasn't rocked my foundations. Remember, Michael walked away from us all. He left my life, and our friends have had no contact with him either." Her voice falters. "It is very sad. The man I knew is not the same man that Michael is today.''

It is Michael Barrymore's loss. Even after 20 years in the often ruthless world of television, it is impossible to find anyone who has a bad word to say about Cheryl. Friendly, kind and honest, she is not the sort of person who makes enemies. Not only does she remain friends with her first ex-husband, but also with every boyfriend she has ever dated. Only Michael, the true love of her life, ironically remains estranged. So will they ever speak again? "I can't answer that," she says softly. "But I doubt it."