The Joy of Ex

One can only guess at how Nicole Kidman started the day on Friday.

Chances are she was woken by a girlfriend at around 7am with a bottle of bubbly and a copy of the National Enquirer featuring the headline that Nicole has been praying for since 18 July 2001, the day Tom Cruise and Penélope Cruz confirmed they were "an item".

Maybe she heard it on the radio, punched the air, and then called around to see if the news was true - that Penélope really had been kicked out of Tom's Beverly Hills home and that plans for the double C wedding were off.

Would Nicole have rung Tom and let him know she was thinking of him at this difficult time? We like to think Nicole's got a bit more style than that. My bet is that on this, the possible collapse of her ex-husband's first postmarriage relationship, Nicole threw a girlie lunch party featuring toasts to "The Dumper Who Gets His Comeuppance" and banners stencilled with the words "The First One Hurts And Then You're Laughing". Yes, Friday could well have been a great day in the Kidman household, and any woman who has been dumped and then seen the dumper stumble with the woman who succeeded her will have enjoyed it, too. Come to think of it, Nicole's big day must have been a bumper one for Mimi Rogers, the original Mrs Tom Cruise.

You don't even have to have been married to feel elated when the ex that dumped you discovers his life has gone pear-shaped. You don't even have to have been dumped in the first place to take a certain childish pleasure in the collapse of your ex's next relationship (who could blame Hugh Grant if he was mildly gratified when the dreadful Steve Bing revealed his true colours).

The simple fact is that, whatever the circumstances, no one likes to be traded in for a new model. We all accept that the men and women in our lives must move on to other relationships; we just don't want them back-to-back with ours, when the wounds are still raw and comparisons easily made.

What every ex needs to put the spring back in their step is for the next taker after them to fail. It's an added bonus if the dumper then tries to come back for more. If the rumours are true, might Tom limp back to Nicole and the kids? She was, after all "heartbroken and devastated" at the sudden end of her marriage, and he rang Nicole on the night of the Oscars to say "I hope you win".

The significance of a split between a couple like Tom and Pen?lope should not be underestimated. For all that jubilant pavement outburst on the day her divorce came through, Nicole will never be truly liberated until Tom has screwed up. Diandra Douglas is someone who would surely trade in every penny of that $40 million settlement she got from Michael just to see him out on his ear begging Catherine to reconsider. (Remember, she's the one who said "before he can marry he has to divorce me".) The money will have helped to ease the humiliation, of course, but nothing can compare with a public, painful split a few months down the line and the chance to scream: "I told you so, you loser. And you thought she actually fancied you?"

And if the dumper's new relationship founders, it instantly justifies all those derogatory statements made in the heat of the split. "Percy, what are you doing?" the ex Mrs Percy Gibson is reported to have said when he announced his intention to marry Joan Collins. "This has train wreck written all over it." It wasn't an unreasonable reaction (he is number five, after all), but only a divorce will cast her in the light of wise friend rather than woman scorned. As for Della Bovey, who refused to let her daughters be bridesmaids at Grant and Anthea's Flakegate wedding, you know that marriage to James Williams has taken the sting out of her betrayal, but she still won't rest until Anthea's been left out in the cold.

If Nicole was ever planning a big party for Vindicated Dumpees, the invitation list would surely have to include Melissa Mathison, Harrison Ford's wife of 18 years, who has watched him date Minnie Driver, Lara Flynn Boyle (maybe) and now Calista Flockhart. Dennis Quaid, Meg Ryan's ex, would be welcome (he's looking a lot perkier since Russell Crowe fell off his Gladiator pedestal). But the guest of honour would have to be Jerry Hall, who recently said: "I think Mick is having a hard time but I'm sure he'll find someone else to be unfaithful to soon," confirming what we all knew to be the case. He may have split up with Jerry and moved on, but he will never settle happily again. And that, after all, is the main thing.