The curse of D.I.N.S

It may not be a new condition but it certainly has a new name - for DINS syndrome has become one of the most common sociological problems suffered by couples. Dual Income, No Sex will strike a chord with many hard-working, gym-going, professional couples.

It's one of the hazards of modernday living - the pressure and stress of running two hectic careers as well as a relationship mean there is practically no time or one of the most important things that hold a partnership together - sex.

When 33-year-old Ben Ruse gets home from his pressurised career as a PR manager at around 8pm, he gives his children a goodnight kiss. Then it's time for a glass of wine and a couple of hours playing computer games while his wife, Charlotte, a 32-year-old book editor, watches "girlie" television.

Then they fall into bed - and Charlotte says they are usually so exhausted that making love is the last thing on their minds. Their lifestyle, which sees Ben regularly working a 10-hour day and Charlotte (who works from their home in Stoke Newington) juggling domestic duties, children and career, is typical of other young London professionals.

But now doctors and psychiatrists are warning that DINS syndrome has become one of the most prevalent and potentially destructive social conditions in Britain. A quarter of all men and one in eight women suffer from some form of sexual dysfunction in their lives, and dualincome couples are putting themselves increasingly at risk of similar physical problems.

"It is all about stress," Charlotte says. "Ben in particular works really hard - he often leaves home at five or six in the morning, and then isn't home until seven or eight at night, having held endless meetings, taken people out for working lunches and stayed late to finish reports. Often he has to work a full Saturday, although I've recently started putting my foot down and saying we have to keep the weekends free for the family. It is very hard to feel sexy when you're so tired."

In the past year they have made a concerted effort to find more time for each other, because not doing so was having a knock-on effect on their marriage.

"Things did get difficult and we found we were arguing about silly little-things that don't matter to us, just bickering, really, and at the heart of it was a lack of intimacy," says Charlotte. "We were even arguing about sex and how we should have it, rather than having it. It was just so destructive-You can put most of those frustrations and irritations aside if you make love often, but that tension can surface in all kinds of other ways.

"So we sat down and decided that we had to make more time for each other. It has really paid dividends and now we do see light at the end of the tunnel. What we've learned is that you have to grab opportunities whenever you can. You can't stick to the pattern of three times a week when you go to bed - often we're both too tired. So you have to be much more inventive, and make time during the day. Recently Ben came home at lunchtime just for an hour - that was very nice!"

Dr Petra Boynton is a sex-and-relationship expert who says there are two main issues affecting DINS couples. The first is the fear that they genuinely have a sexual dysfunction. If they haven't made love for weeks or even months, many people fear that their sex drive has gone for ever.

So a problem that may be due simply to stress and lack of effort manifests itself as a false physical imperfection. "Just because you don't make love, doesn't mean you can't make love, so stop worrying,'' says Dr Boynton.

A lot of people panic and think that a dip in desire caused by their hectic lives is, in fact, a sexual dysfunction," she adds, "but it rarely is. It's simply that if you work long hours in a stressful environment, you possibly have young children at home and you're juggling all the different demands of work and family, then that is bound to have a knock-on effect on your sexual energy.

"You have to be receptive to sex, and if your mind is somewhere else and you are physically tired, you will lose your libido. The term libido is Greek, and it's associated with energy and desire - therefore if you're so tired, how can you summon up that energy?

"We don't know exactly what sparks off sexual desire, all we know is that it's to do with brain chemistry, cultural practices and interpersonal attraction - it's much easier to say what gets in the way of it."

The second problem revolves around our goals in life and the increasing obsession with perfection: the house must be immaculate, the towels neatly folded, the kitchen tidied, the bank account in the black.

As we achieve in the workplace, say psychologists, so we translate this relentless search for perfection into our home lives - and feel that we can't "reward" ourselves with sex unless we have created the perfect setting: a hot bath, a room lit with candles and flooded with soothing music. Which, of course, is an impossible fantasy if you have both been working flat out all day.

A much quicker route to relaxation is a few glasses of wine, a takeaway and then collapsing into bed. Sex is becoming an "event" which has to be styled and made perfect, rather than an everyday occurrence.

"I think we expect to have too 'perfect' a life and we strive for it at the cost of our sex lives," says Dr Boynton. "We expect to have a wonderful house, a fantastic job, go to the gym every day and have multiple orgasms - it just doesn't work that way. If you're trying so hard, the sex will suffer.

"To have great sex, you need to fix your stress levels first, so you need to sit down and look long and hard at your lifestyle. If you're working all the hours God sends, you can't just 'fit in' sex as well. You have to make time to relax and start feeling good about yourself."

Charlotte agrees. "You can get obsessed by perfection," she says. "We all think we have to have the perfect body, too, on top of everything else. So having worked all day and taken the children swimming, then there's the Yogalates video to be done. You forget how to relax and just have fun together.

"Ben and I have found that sitting in the kitchen and talking over a meal makes a big difference - rather than just sitting in front of the television - as does actually planning the time we will spend together in our diaries.

"We still don't have enough time for each other but it's getting better, and I keep telling myself we're sacrificing time together to build up our careers for the joy we will get later, when there isn't all this pressure."