Sometimes it's hard to be a man

Robert Withe, Alan Fredricks and Denzil Lewis have just written a book called Women: The Final Frontier, which instructs young men in how to shag the fairer sex. Sorry, did I say shag? I meant talk to. Everything else will fall into place, as long as you get the talking thing right. They've practised their own methods so comprehensively that Denzil now has a lovely girlfriend, Robert is getting married and Alan - well, Alan's still single, but only because he's chosen to be. Due to these girlfriends, they're all writing under a pseudonym and none of them can remember what the others have decided to call themselves. In fact, when we met, the only person who was consistently sure of their own name was me. I had quite a lot of fun pointing this out to them, in an aggressive manner. For example: 'So, wait, you've known each other for 13 years, Denzil, and yet you just called Robert Roger?'

However, they've written the rules, and by God they've understood them. There will always be a 'Miss Negative', apparently. She is usually only like that because she's shy (news to me - I always thought I was just being a nuisance). Expect her put-downs, and have an answer to them. So, if she says, 'I don't think you know much about women,' you flash back, 'Thinking may not be your strong point."' This is charming for us ladies, who never wanted to be boring intellectuals in the first place, and just got bullied into it by our feminist mums. Then, if she says, 'You get on my nerves,' you reply, 'Ouch! How many amps was that?' I have no idea what this means; perhaps it's something to do with DIY, and men understand it. And finally, if she says, 'The future is female,' you say, 'Yes, so my maid tells me.' I've never in my life heard anyone say, 'The future is female,' apart from Hattie Hayridge, who once said, 'The future is female. But the future's also orange. So is the future Judith Chalmers?' I don't know what the answer to that is - it's probably to run away. You're not going to get anywhere with a woman who thinks she's funnier than you are.

But I'm being unfair. Before each of these whiplash answers, the authors advise you to smile. That's right, boys - show your teeth. It's not that difficult. People at checkout tills do it all the time. There I was, attempting to lacerate three grown men to death with my negative responses, and they refused to stop smiling at me. Often, they laughed as well. What do you do with men like that? Why, you fancy them, of course. Especially the nearly married one.

Before men try any of these lines - indeed, before they even start chatting women up - they've got to get some confidence.

First, remind yourself of all the advantages you have: your reproductive powers will last almost twice as long as your female counterpart's; your potential girlfriend sets less store by youth and beauty; and - this is my favourite - you're better at chess and most yo-yo tricks (why the 'most', I wonder? Is there a special yo-yo trick that only people with long nails can do?). Then, tidy yourself up, make sure your breath doesn't smell, banish depression by pulling yourself together or going to the doctor, iron your shirt and get out there, boyfriend. Expect a success rate of one in ten at the very best. Don't be downhearted if you get told where to ram it - there are lots and lots of lovely ladies out there, and one of them has your name on.

If you think this is all a bit unreconstructed, a bit misogynistic even, then I can say without sarcasm, it isn't. This is a book for men who honestly, truly, never get laid. Alan told me that even a confident, easy-going, good-looking bloke is lucky to get unexpected post-club sex every three months. Denzil told me that most women didn't want to be thought of as easy. For the uninitiated, it seems, pulling is very hard indeed. No wonder men need to big themselves up a bit beforehand. My personal tip would be to go to clubs where there are more drunk people who have forgotten what easy means, but that's not a strategy the boys advocate. Possibly because it sounds a bit, well, dodgy.

No, you can't do it with vodka, less still are you allowed to do it with Rohypnol. It's back to the charm school, boys - and here are a couple more deflective phrases to use on difficult girls, before you get on to normal ones. If she tells you you're not that bright, say, 'No. It's a wonder they let me vote.' And, here's the killer; if she follows it up with something even meaner, say, 'Are those new shoes?' I love that one. I'm going to use that on myself, next time I try to have a tantrum.

Apart from Miss Negative, and her chums Miss Arrogant, Miss Competitive and Miss Dominatrix, there are plenty of nice girls out there. You need to be fairly direct with Nice Girl, but at least she's known for her polite and unviolent nature. A good approach is: 'Would you like to make it with the feet?' Her: 'I'm really not a good dancer...' (There's an assumption there that she understood what you meant, but we'll let that pass.) 'Thank you for sharing that because neither am I. But let's have a go, and whenever either of us wants to stop, we will.' Her: 'No, I'd really rather not.' 'OK, I enjoyed asking you anyway.'

With a Shy/Defensive chick, try this: 'Why are the good-looking women always quiet?' It might work, although I'm having trouble working out the difference between a line like that and a simple 'You've got nice breasts'. However, I went straight to the source for an answer to that, and they all told me that - while under no circumstances were they trying to generalise or anything - some things just worked. Trust them.

Provided that you've been reading carefully, at some point a girl will quite literally give you her phone number - unless, that is, you keep going for ones who are taller than you (Denzil modifies this later - some men could be as short as, oh, Woody Allen, and still go out with a tall bird, but the men who are reading the book in the first place aren't among them. Yet). Nor should you go for girls who have tons more money than you. Beyond that, you're on to a winner - all you've got to do now is call her, put the phone down if a man answers, leave a manly, non-gabbling message if she's not in, have the name of a pub at the ready, which won't be full of your mates, and then arrange a date.

Then you've got to be prepared to cough up for dinner, not to ask for sex even if you think it's a really good idea, and to be on time. If you get as far as a second date, you've got to make sure you're not wearing the same clothes as you were wearing the last time you met, and you still aren't allowed to ask for sex. If you get as far as asking her round to your house, you've got to wash up, vacuum, dust, air, change the linen, put your clothes away, wash the towels, put fresh soap in the bathroom and 'throw out non-educational media that has a high-skin quotient'. It's like some kind of A-level.

Honestly, it's enough to make you ashamed of your gender - no, not the male gender, the female one. We're rude, sarcastic, power-crazed, belittling, gold-digging stirrers who don't want to hear from you, don't want to return your calls, don't want to have sex with you, and even if we did by accident, could then conceivably turn round and say: 'But it's so... so small!'

Is it really that bad? 'Well, it can be that bad, for people who don't know what they're doing,' says Robert. 'We're not saying all women are the same,' says Denzil. 'It's not meant to be all set in stone, it's just meant to be thought-provoking,' says Alan. Oh God, now they're smiling at me again...

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Women: The Final Frontier is published by Elliot Right Way Books, price £4.99.