Plumber beats Will to world title

Despite a string of hits, UK Pop Idol champion Will Young failed to take the crown as winners from 11 countries' versions of the smash TV song contest were judged by a panel including Simon Cowell and Pete Waterman. Instead the prize went to 25-year-old Norwegian former plumber turned singer Kurt Nilsen.
Will finished fifth.

At the beginning of a fresh new year, it is essential that we should all - that is, all of us around the world who are still awake - be singing from the same song sheet.

This was the terrific idea that occurred to the people behind World Idol. When times are grim, the best solution is to have a bit of a sing-song.

The other little matter that lifts the spirits as the post-festive overdraft kicks in is the brutal old fact that some people are not very good at singing. This utterly dreary programme made it seem as if programme makers had visited the worst karaoke bars in a distressingly wide selection of the world's cities and bring back the person who cleared the floor quickest.

When someone from Norway wins an international singing competition, then the world has clearly entered the terpsichorean doldrums. Norway is rightfully known as the "nul points" no-go zone. The reason is that no one in Norway can sing.

Proof was supplied in triplicate by a chap called Kurt Nilsen, who squirted his version of U2's Beautiful Day through the gap in his front teeth. No disrespect to Kurt, who is doubtless gainfully employed in orthodontic research, but there is absolutely no point whatsoever in giving us a cover version of a song which has been done perfectly well before. Total disrespect to the judges of this nonsense who saw fit to mark it up in front of a perfectly decent version of Smells Like Teen Spirit by Belgium's Peter Everard. Which is not to overlook the fact that Nirvana did it better than Peter and probably still could, even though one of them is dead.

The programme inadvertently threw up some interesting questions concerning the nature of fame and how it makes people desperate. The contestants were simply in it for the book tokens, or whatever the prize was, but why did Elton John get involved as a guest performer? It was obvious he must have got an extension built to the studio by insisting on playing the biggest grand piano ever, but even though his wigged-out rendition of Are You Ready For Love put all the amateurs to shame, it still doesn't make him the world's biggest pianist.

And then there was Victoria Beckham. She really should get some counselling to persuade her to leave it out with the singing. Even in a show which mostly consisted of counting votes, her sub-Madonna effort was like counting sheep. A version of Moonlight Shadow by a German air hostess sounded like Dusty Springfield in comparison.

Evidently, the broadcasting bigwigs are on holiday at the moment, far beyond the reach of our terrestrial TV. They are clearly relying on the fact that the audience is at its most benevolently befuddled, and so saddle us with one hour of witless and cynical drivel. Better by far to run a bath and sing in it.