Nursery? Never again!

When my first child, Patrick, was born, I went back to my job on a newspaper, which I loved, and hired a nanny. But when Alice arrived two years later, we decided to send Patrick to a nursery. He was a bright and sociable child and we thought it would engage his curiosity, as well as teach him to share with other children.

But were we wrong to make that decision? New evidence indicates that, instead of giving under-fours social skills and confidence, nurseries are making children insecure, disobedient and aggressive. There is particular concern about under-twos, which, for those of us who left our children in nurseries before they could talk, is particularly alarming.

I remember a colleague advising me to keep the nanny, warning me that our son would turn into one of those "nursery school children" - rough, noisy and difficult.

Young children in nursery care do seem to become hardened by the experience: boys, in particular, tend to become more aggressive and assertive.

Despite the warning, we found a place in north London that seemed right for him: a small, cosy nursery with a friendly manager who padded around in her bedroom slippers and seemed very fond of children.

There was a musician who came in once a week and let the children bash drums and cymbals; the play space was full of trucks and tricycles, which was heaven for a small boy. He flourished and was happy for three months before we left London to live and work in the US.

Returning after a year's absence, we sent both children, now four and two, back to the same nursery - under a new manager.

The children spent three days a week there, from 9am till 4pm - on two days they went together, so we could work; on the third, one stayed at home to enjoy some undivided parental attention. My daughter, who adores her teacher, has thrived on the experience: she brings home buns she has cooked, pictures she has painted, songs she has learned.

However, after two years of nursery education, my son just wasn't enjoying it. At three years old, when he was at a particularly boisterous nursery in America, he would come home with impressive bruises, and burst through the door shouting, "Ryan pushed me first!"

Now, at four, he still has not noticeably learned to share. In fact, he generally prefers to play on his own, away from groups of children. I'm beginning to think this may be an effect of being forced to socialise with others from an early age. On top of all this, the nursery cost us a total of £900 a month.

Then, there were niggling incidents that made us worry. When my husband arrived at nursery recently to collect the children, he saw a little girl proudly wearing a sticky label on the front of her dress. He bent down to talk to the child and to ask what was written on her label. It read, "I done me buckle on me own." The illiterate, hand-written label, unfortunately, added to a list of other blunders.

On a wall chart, a teacher had listed Things We Take on Holiday, which included "suitecase". My daughter brought home a scrap book bearing the proud title: My Day's at Nursery.

SUCH stupid mistakes on the part of teachers are bound to leave parents with gnawing feelings of doubt. Bad spelling is not going to damage the children's development at two or three, for sure, but it does, perhaps, reveal a pretty low standard of teaching.

In a notoriously badly paid sector, there are some wonderful, dedicated and talented teachers, but some are obviously ill-qualified, underpaid, and bored.

One day, my son told me a teacher had been cross with him when he had pooed in his pants and carried on playing. Another day, I arrived to collect my daughter at 4pm to find all the children

watching a video on television. If I wanted my child to watch TV all afternoon, I probably wouldn't choose to pay for the privilege.

The culture in some British nurseries seems to be not to tell the parents anything they wouldn't want to hear, for fear that they would take their children, and their money, elsewhere. Unfortunately, this is where the all-important issue of trust comes in. It is difficult to listen to a long list of what your child had to eat for elevenses and lunch and tea when you suspect he is actually quite unhappy.

After we returned from America our son was disruptive at nursery, but it took staff several months to tell us, by which time it was rather too late for us to help him get over it. This sort of thing can erode your confidence as a parent entrusting your child's emotional development to someone else.

So, now, we have decided to take the children out of nursery, and my husband has given up work to look after them full-time for the summer.

Come the autumn, my son will be going to school, but we haven't decided what to do about Alice. Perhaps by then, research will have been published saying that it is bad for children to spend too much time with their parents ...