My soulmate

Nigel Havers would often greet his wife Polly by calling out 'Christ, are you still here?' when he opened the door of their house. In the early days of her fight against cancer, humour was the couple's preferred strategy for coping with the sudden horror of their situation.

He also jokingly nicknamed her 'Gary - as in Garibaldi' when her beautiful blonde hair fell out, and said their ability to banter gave them the strength to ride out the most terrifying times.

But yesterday, after a four-year battle against the disease, Polly died in the arms of her devoted husband in the Royal Brompton Hospital in West London. She was 54.

Numerous bouts of chemotherapy had failed to cure her illness. Nigel's barrister brother, Philip, said yesterday: 'Polly put up an extraordinarily brave fight. She had more treatment over the years than most people could even contemplate.

'Although she eventually, sadly, succumbed, the fact that she survived for so long shows what courage and fortitude can achieve in the face of this frightening disease.'

Despite the couple's original attempts to make light of Polly's condition, they tried to avoid the subject when the cancer returned and she had to endure yet more chemotherapy and a serious operation on her heart.

Nigel, a star of the Oscar-winning film Chariots Of Fire and TV's The Charmer, would say: 'We don't want the illness to dominate our lives, so we don't talk about it. She will be fine.'

The problems began four years ago when Polly - who had been suffering from fibroids, small growths in the womb - had a hysterectomy. She expected a routine operation, but was given the dreadful news afterwards that surgeons had discovered ovarian cancer, with a secondary tumour on her stomach. It was clear that she would have to have immediate treatment to save her life.

During a subsequent period of remission, she said: 'I was absolutely terrified when they told me I had cancer. Nigel was with me, and neither of us knew what to say. I'd never even thought about it, although, strangely enough, I had been sitting with a bunch of girlfriends a couple of months earlier and I had said, laughingly, "I bet they open me up and find I've got cancer!", not really thinking for one minute that they would.'

Nigel also recalled: 'When the doctor called us in, I looked at his face and I could tell it wasn't good. I asked "Out of ten, how bad is it?" and he said: "About nine."

'I was watching Polly and you could see her fear. Suddenly everything flashed before her eyes, and she said: "Oh my God, I'm going to die, I'm going to die." I asked the doctor "Will she get through this?" and he said: "I have no idea. I can't answer those questions." '

The four-hour operation to remove the tumour was more complicated than the surgeons had anticipated, and had to be followed by a course of high-dose chemotherapy. Within two weeks, Polly - a former model and actress - lost all her hair. She chose to wear brightly coloured headscarves, which she joked made her look like a charlady.

She found the change hard, saying: 'It is a physical manifestation of the illness which leaves you feeling so ugly. You think you are repulsive and, of course, your biggest fear is that your husband will stop loving you.'

However, Nigel told her she was 'as beautiful as ever'. He said the experience of living with cancer had made them realise that they were true soulmates.

While Polly endured her first, gruelling course of treatment, he put all his efforts into making her feel as comfortable as possible. He learned how to cook and keep the house in order. He turned down several offers of work (including the chance to appear in the American hospital drama ER), spending as much time as possible by her side.

Polly was totally exhausted by the chemotherapy, and spent a lot of time in bed at their home in Barnes, south-west London. At one point she was so weak that she was confined to a wheelchair - something she detested.

Theirs had been an intense romance. They met when Nigel was still married to his first wife, Carolyn, and at the peak of his fame. Polly had been married to property developer John Bloomfield, and had two sons.

On their first meeting, Nigel was captivated by this striking, slender woman and asked his old friend, actor Simon Williams, the son of playwrights Hugh and Margaret Williams: 'Who is that?'

'It's my sister, you fool,' Simon replied. They embarked on a three-year affair, and Nigel struggled with his conscience over leaving his wife. He had hospital treatment for stress and later revealed that he had even contemplated suicide, before finally being able to make the break.

He once spoke about attempting to 'fall out of love' with Polly, but finding it impossible. 'I'm afraid from that first moment, I knew Polly was the one,' he said. 'I spent three years torn between Polly and Caro. Polly and I tried every which way to make it not happen. We didn't just sit down and think: "How many people can we hurt?"'

Indeed, Polly was supported throughout her illness by her sons from her first marriage - William, now 26, and Ben, 24 - and by Nigel's daughter Kate, 26.

By now, they were also on cordial terms with Carolyn and her new partner.

The marriage of Nigel and Polly, celebrated in December 1989, was conspicuously happy, and Nigel said he was cured of his wandering eye. Polly would usually accompany her husband when he filmed away from home, in order to stop him becoming lonely. He said: 'I know what Polly adores, and it's very important to keep her happy.'

They never had children, but became regular fixtures on the London social scene.

After being told the cancer was in remission following the first bout of treatment, both were jubilant, though cautious.

Just three weeks later, in October 2000, Polly was told she needed major surgery to repair a valve in her heart, which had been damaged by the anti-cancer drugs.

The surgery was a success, and Nigel reported that she was 'all clear' in March 2001, although she still had to undergo checks every two months.

However, by the following February the cancer had returned and Polly was once again put on a course of chemotherapy. She also tried holistic medicine.

Polly, by nature more pessimistic than her husband, would sometimes tell him to stop reassuring her that she would recover, because they both knew it was not necessarily going to happen.

'I am absolutely not a victim,' she said. 'If my mother had been alive, she would have said: "It's jolly bad luck, old girl. You just have to deal with it as best you can." And that's exactly what I'm doing.'

By this spring it was clear that despite every effort since her initial diagnosis, the outlook was bleak.

Although she and her husband had been active and selfless about raising funds and awareness for cancer charities, they chose to keep her final struggle private.

In the final months her hair grew back and she looked as beautiful as ever; some neighbours presumed that she was finally 'on the mend'.

However, she realised that her chances of survival were slim. Friends said yesterday that she had deteriorated sharply over the past two weeks.

Nigel, who had returned to work and appeared in the BBC series Manchild, was unable to hide his agony. 'She is desperately worried whether she will survive,' he said. 'Polly is my soulmate. She is being so brave and so strong, but her condition varies. The older you get, the more sentimental you are. And, yes, obviously it is hard for the partner. But I have always made sure I spend all my spare time looking after her.

'We are total opposites: I am an optimist, whereas Polly is a pessimist. I am in denial of illness and death.

'Most people want to know exactly what they have got wrong. Polly is like that. I am not; I carry on as if nothing has happened.'

The following month, Polly accompanied her husband to the Bafta television awards, in a rare public appearance.

She looked radiant, and Nigel said: 'You know it will be all right in the end. I want to be upbeat.'

Sadly, there was no happy ending.