My London: Julian Clary

Where do you live and why? When I was a teenager, all I wanted was to live in Camden Town and to drive a Citro?n 2CV. When I was 28, I bought a 2CV and my flat in Camden Town and I thought, 'Life is bliss.'

If you could change one thing about your street, what would it be? The roadworks! There's some problem outside my flat and every couple of weeks they dig a big hole and lower men down. And then they fill it up again. I appreciate they have a job to do but it's a bit full-on.

Are you a member of any club? Century. I was a member of Soho House but I thought you don't need both. I prefer the lighting in Century.

What was the last book/CD you bought? The book is Fast Food Nation. Eric Schlosser is a very irritating man. He's outraged by everything and it's a tedious read. The CD is previously unreleased Tammy Wynette tracks including a marvellous song called 'You Can Be Replaced'. She sings, 'You can be replaced with loneliness...'

Do you have a local restaurant? A Japanese on Parkway called Sushi Waka. According to Japanese friends, it serves the best sushi in London.

What keeps you awake at night? The last two nights, there's been a bird singing outside my window. It goes on, over and over again, from 5am.

What's your earliest memory of London? Going to Buckingham Palace when I was about six and getting my head stuck in the railings.

When did you last lose something valuable and what was it? My grandfather's watch was stolen from my dressing room in Brighton.

What is the most beautiful London landmark? There are so many, but the thing that I think is very London and very British and beautiful in an unpretentious way is the BBC building in Portland Place.

And the ugliest? Channel 4's building.

What's the last play you saw in London and did you enjoy it? The Play What I Wrote. Denise Van Outen was the special guest - an added extra. It was a jolly, silly evening in an Oxbridge sort of way.

Where is the most intimidating place in London? Any heterosexual pub.

Admit to one thing you've done in London that you've never told anyone before. I once accepted a lift in a horribly small, grubby Fiat - with nobody I knew.

When did you last lose your temper? About three weeks ago. My boyfriend came home drunk at four in the morning with a friend who wanted to sleep on the sofa. And they couldn't find the spare duvet so I was woken up and was very bad tempered about it.

Where did you last blow £2,000 and what was it on? I can spend that shopping on Bond Street.

What's the first piece of advice you'd give a London tourist? Don't bother with Madame Tussaud's. Try to find a local person to show you around.

What was the last conversation you had with a London cabbie? There's an interesting man who is a psychic cabbie. He gets messages from the 'great beyond' and he's convinced that a woman called Rosie is trying to get in touch with me. Apparently, Rosie is on the other side with my previous dog, Fanny the Wonderdog. He always asks me if I've worked out who Rosie is, and I haven't.

When was the last time you broke the law? Broke the law?! Well, I'm the son of a probation officer and a policeman, so I have very high moral standards.

If you were invisible for a day, where would you go in London and what would you do? I'd go to Buckingham Palace and listen to the royal family. I think Fay Weldon said that when she worked in advertising, they used to say, 'Let's get down on all fours and see things from the general public's point of view.' I imagine that's what the royal family think.

Give us your best tip for overcoming depression. Read a book called Stop Thinking & Start Living by Richard Carlson. It's a foolproof technique.

What do you miss most when you're out of London? Apathy. I like the apathy of London - people who can't quite be bothered with life. When you go somewhere else, like Brighton, they're always more jolly. Sooner or later, the apathy's what I miss.

Name a song that you associate with London? I don't know why I say this, but 'You Spin Me Round' by Dead Or Alive.

Which shop could you not live without? Michiko Koshino, a Japanese designer, on Broadwick Street.

Have you ever been a victim of violence in London? No. No one has ever laid a finger on me without causing delight.

What is the most expensive meal you've had in London and who did you eat with? At Nobu with my boyfriend. It was wonderful, but it cost £300!

What is your favourite view? From the top of Primrose Hill. Beautiful.

What and where is your favourite painting or work of art? An Allegory with Venus and Cupid by Bronzino in the National Gallery. It's of a naked woman with someone tweaking her nipple. It's funny, serene and clever.

What last made you cry? An empty bedside drawer.

Where in London would you have your ashes scattered? I always said that I wanted my ashes scattered in a pint of lager because that was the only way I was going to get down Ryan Giggs's throat.

If your house were on fire, which three things would you rescue? My cat Gloria, my dog Valerie, and my wedding rings.