My London: Johnny Vegas

If you could change one thing about your street, what would it be? The house next door was a lovely old house until the neighbours did it up and made it look like a Barratt home. I'd like to go back in time and convince them not to buy it - that's me being very Prince Charles.

Are you a member of any club? I said I'd never join a club but I've recently joined Century.

What was the last CD you bought? Leonard Cohen's Songs of Love and Hate. If I'm getting too happy, I use it to bring me down.

Do you have a local? The Art Club, a little place that looks like somebody has cut the corner off a Labour club and transported it to the middle of Soho. It's London's best-kept secret: a boozer's boozer with Eighties music.

Where would you most like to spend a 'lost weekend' in London? Locked in Tate Modern with a couple of bottles of vodka.

What keeps you awake at night? Bad TV and the knowledge that my comedy won't write itself.

What is your earliest memory of London? I came down when I was seven for a signing for the comic 2000AD and met the artists, which was amazing. The comics were gold dust when I brought them back up North- but I sold them when I was 15 to pay for cider.

What is the most beautiful London landmark? Well, the V&A is my favourite - I've actually got a teapot on display there [Johnny studied ceramics at university]. I went to a conference of potters a few years back and did a one-minute teapot challenge. The V&A brought it back, fired it, and it's now in the Contemporary Room.

And the ugliest? The Groucho because it reeks of elitism. They'll never let me in again now.

What's the last play you saw in London and did you enjoy it? Speed the Plow at the New Ambassadors a couple of years ago. I'd never seen much theatre before, and what I had seen had been bad, but then you go and watch something fantastic and you understand what all the fuss is about.

When and where did you last get drunk? I got really drunk at the BBC doing a recording with Patrick Kielty, stayed there till God knows what time, went straight to the last Big Breakfast, carried on drinking - they put me in the garden as I was so intoxicated - and then went off to a party. So I started at teatime Thursday and finished at about 9.30pm Friday night.

What don't you leave home without? In order of preference: cigarettes, wallet for more cigarettes, mobile but always switched off, and laptop - not for work, for playing pinball.

What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done? The other week I took some computer programmers to Stringfellow's. As ever, there was no sexual element to it. There's nothing more intimidating for dancers than four computer programmers who haven't got the best social skills, so I was chatting to the girls, saying, 'Look, it's all right. They're safe.'

Where did you last blow £2,000 and what was it on? It wasn't £2,000, but the last time I bought something big was when I went on the internet and bought £350-worth of Lego. I also blew £600 in a Polish casino - I got the currency wrong and thought I'd spent £60.

What was the last conversation you had with a London cabbie? About ITV Digital - this guy had just subscribed and was wondering what was happening. I have no idea.

Give us your best tip for overcoming depression. It's not something you overcome, it's something you accept. Learn from it. Let it be a tool and use it. Failing that, try vodka.

If you were invisible for a day, where would you go in London and what would you do? On behalf of my mum who's a big fan, I'd go to Wimbledon and help Henman win in some ridiculous Disney-esque way of getting the ball to do impossible things.

What is the most overrated thing in London? Football. We've got better teams up North.

What do you miss most when you're out of London? Proper fresh bagels.

Have you ever been refused entry anywhere? Pretty much every club in and around the Soho area. People were always looking at me thinking there must be a football match on. And I'm going, 'No, I'm just Northern.'

What is your most memorable night out? Purely because it was a complete novelty, when a friend and I went to Steve Coogan's opening night for his stand-up shows in 1998. They took us into the VIP area. We were so unused to it, we got absolutely smashed and ended up in Steve's hotel room. It was a scream.

What last made you cry? My dad being ill. He's doing much better now.

Where would you have your ashes scattered? At Knowsley Road, St Helens Rugby League Football Club ground. But I'm Catholic and wouldn't be cremated, so I don't know if I could have my body scattered on the ground or whether it would interfere with play. Maybe they could cut me up into bits.

If your house were on fire, which three things would you rescue? My Lego, my laptop, and my copy of Simon Bates doing 'Our Tune'. He read out my tragic story - 'Johnny was very unhappy...' - and I used it in one of my shows.

Johnny fronts Good2Eat: www.good2eat.info

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