My London: Joan Rivers

Where do you stay in London and why? Now I stay in the Ritz because the manager at Claridge's moved here. I hoped they'd give me a theatrical rate. That's said by a very bitter person.

If you could change one thing about the street the Ritz is on, what would it be? I would have Green Park moved two blocks closer so we could be in the middle of the park. I would also like the rug stores that are going out of business to go out already. If I see the 'Going Out Of Business' signs one more time... I've been walking past them for six years now.

Are you a member of any club? Like every American, Harry's Bar.

Where is that? I don't know. I never go there.

What was the last book/CD you bought? The biography of John Quincy Adams by Paul Joseph, and Barbara Cook's latest CD.

Do you have a favourite restaurant in London? I love Langan's. And I love having tea in the Orangery in Holland Park.

Where would you most like to spend a lost weekend in London? Buckingham Palace. If no one was there I could dress up as the Queen. Or in the Tower of London, and then I could wear the jewels.

What is your earliest memory of London? Having tea in Parliament, outside on the terrace - my husband knew an MP.

When did you last lose something valuable and what was it? A gold charm bracelet that my mother left me when she died. It was very Deco, with her initials, BCM, Beatrice Cushman Molinsky. I lost it via a cleaning person at CBS.

What is the most beautiful London landmark? Joan Collins is well preserved. But your parks are extraordinary in the spring.

And the ugliest? King's Cross. Now they've cleaned it up, I don't know where to go for ecstasy.

What's the sleaziest thing you've ever done? Going into a sleazy S&M sex shop for a TV special. And I can't find it again. I've been looking for it forever.

When did you last lose your temper? This morning, on the phone to somebody who hadn't done something they should have and they'd been told about seven times. But then you get very upset and say sorry a hundred times, and then she'll get a raise.

Where did you last blow £2,000 and what was it on? A topaz necklace. And I won't feel guilty about it because I will now copy it and put it into the Joan Rivers Classic Collection! I bought it in Beverly Hills from a wonderful contemporary designer who obviously saw me coming.

If you were invisible for a day, where would you go in London and what would you do? I would go on stage at Covent Garden and be part of a great opera. Stand next to the diva.

Give us your best tip for overcoming depression. Get busy. Get busy. Get busy.

What's the most overrated thing in London? Getting busy. Getting busy. Getting busy.

What do you miss most when you're out of London? The weather. Am I the only one who thinks this is the best weather in the world for people's skin? Look at your women's skin.

Name a song that you associate with London. 'A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square' and, of course, Notorious B.I.G's 'Me & My Bitch'.

Which shop could you not live without?

Have you ever been refused entry anywhere? Constantly.

Have you ever been a victim of violence in London? Metaphorically, at Annabel's, when I dared to question the size of the bill.

What is the most expensive meal you've had in London and who did you eat with? With three friends, David Dingle, Digby Trout and Martin Fletcher, at the Pont de la Tour. We were all in shock. The bill was truly astronomical. It had to be £600 just for the starters.

What's your favourite meal to cook at home? A steak and a great salad. Very simple.

What's your most memorable night out? The night I won my Emmy in 1990 for best daytime talk-show hostess. It was just a night of pure happiness. We all went from the awards show and flew to Las Vegas, then we went partying all night.

What is your favourite view? Out of the Hotel Cipriani in Venice.

What and where is your favourite painting or work of art? Anything by Monet. Anywhere.

What last made you cry? My thighs.

Where in London would you have your ashes scattered? Portobello Road. I love antiques.

If your house were on fire, which three things would you rescue? My make-up, no question. My dogs and then my daughter... in that order.

Joan Rivers appears at the Theatre Royal Haymarket on 14, 21 and 28 April

Previously on My London