My London: Jo Brand

Where do you live and why? Near East Dulwich, to spite cabbies who refuse to go south of the river.

What was the last book you bought? According to Queeney by Beryl Bainbridge. She writes good historical stuff but it's dead easy to read.

Where would you most like to spend a 'lost weekend' in London? In the British Museum, going to all the rooms. You always end up going to one room and then the caff because you're so exhausted.

What keeps you awake at night? Car alarms.

What's your earliest memory of London? I vaguely remember being pushed around Clapham Common in my pushchair.

When did you last lose something valuable and what was it? This is tempting fate but I haven't lost anything at all valuable for years. Now I've said that, I'll go and lose my car or something.

What is the most beautiful London landmark? I'm a bit of a closet goth and I love St Pancras station.

And the ugliest? King's Cross - just hideous.

What's the last play you saw in London? Did you enjoy it? It was over a year ago now, but it was Patrick Marber's production of The Caretaker with Michael Gambon. It was incredible.

Where is the most intimidating place in London? The 2am slot on stage in the Comedy Store on a Friday night. You'll either get destroyed by a City boy stag night or vomited on by the front row.

What don't you leave London without? My car. I drive it a lot following one or two unpleasant masturbation incidents on the Tube and a few oddballs trying to accompany me home.

Admit to one thing you've done in London that you've never told anyone before. I once called in to a talk show about capital punishment and disguised my voice. I've got quite a blokey voice - I'm always getting called 'Sir' on the phone - so I went up an octave and no one recognised me.

When did you last lose your temper? I'm really not a temper-losing type of person. I did stub my toe a couple of weeks ago and swear, though.

Where did you last blow £2,000 and what was it on? That's a lot of money. You need to ask someone like Paul McCartney. Probably parking meters in the West End.

What was the last conversation you had with a London cabbie? About how funny Frank Skinner is. Cabbies always clock who I am and say, 'Oh, I like so and so comediané' It's never me.

When was the last time you broke the law? I park on yellow lines all the time.

If you were invisible for a day, where would you go in London and what would you do? I'd solve the homeless problem by stealing loads of money and buying a castle. It'd make a nice change from some hideous hostel in Vauxhall.

Give us your best tip for overcoming depression. See a psychiatrist. I know, I was a psychiatric nurse.

What's the most overrated thing in London? Shopping. It's too hot, crowded and everything's duplicated from one shop to the next.

What do you miss most when you're out of London? Theatre, cinema and 24-hour garages.

Name a song that you associate with London. 'Oh England, My Lionheart' by Kate Bush, which has lyrics about Kensington Park, Peter Pan and ravens at the Tower of London.

Which shop could you not live without? I sound like Betty Boring Pants, but it's stationery shops. I'm always buying pens, files, little clippy things for paper. I never grew out of my childhood stationery phase - it's probably a Freudian thing.

Have you ever been a victim of violence in London? A few years ago a bloke was making his head bleed by banging it against a bus stop. Everyone was ignoring him. I tried to stop him and he punched me. He did stop, though, so there was a positive outcome to intervention, as we used to say in nursing.

Have you been refused entry anywhere? Not really, but Buckingham Palace garden parties would be a no-no.

What is your favourite view? I've never seen it, but it's the London rooftops as seen in Mary Poppins.

What and where is your favourite painting or work of art? The Barbara Hepworth statue in Battersea Park. It's so accessible.

What last made you cry? About six years ago, I got destroyed by an audience. I did a show at Central London Poly in front of a load of drunk rugby players. We were lambs to the slaughter.

Where in London would you have your ashes scattered? Over a heckler in the front row of the Comedy Store for a laugh.

What's the best comedy venue in London? The Hackney Empire - it's a fantastic building with loads of history in an area where there aren't that many arts venues.

If your house were on fire, which three things would you rescue? Kettle, coffee and milk, so I could at least have a cup of coffee.

Jo Brand is currently on tour. Call 0906 601 0629 for tickets, or catch her on BBC London 94.9 every Sunday, 11am to 1pm

More My Londons!