'My husband was killed and my life destroyed'

As she woke on the morning of September 11, at her home in North London, Elizabeth Turner immediately reached for her mobile phone. On it was a message from her husband, Simon, reassuring her that he had arrived safely in New York and promising to call again later in the day.

Drawing back the curtains, she basked in a shaft of crisp autumn sunshine that flooded the bedroom and illuminated the swell of the child growing inside her.

Like most pregnant woman, Elizabeth was determined not to count her blessings yet. But on this particular morning she allowed herself a small smile of satisfaction.

'It was one of those gorgeously bright autumn mornings,' she recalls. 'Simon and I had just enjoyed a lovely weekend starting to clear out a nursery for the baby and choose the furnishings.

'We adored each other and were so looking forward to our first child being born in less than two months. It just hit me in a rush how perfect life was.'

Normally such thoughts are fleeting, lost in the day-to-day grind of life. But in the dark and harrowing months that were to follow, this brief moment of joy has taken on a grim significance.

For unbeknown to Elizabeth as she listened to the familiar clipped tones of her husband's voice, he had only a few hours to live.

Company executive Simon, 39, was one of 87 Britons to die in the World Trade Centre atrocity. He was welcoming delegates to a conference in the Windows On The World restaurant - situated on the 106th floor of the North Tower - when the first plane, American Airlines Flight 11, crashed into the building at 8.46am.

The impact left a gaping chasm in the structure five floors below and within seconds flames and smoke engulfed the complex as thousands of tons of aviation fuel ignited, leaving those above no means of escape.

The world could only stand and watch helplessly as, 90 minutes later, the tower collapsed, killing almost all of the survivors still inside. Simon's body has never been found.

During the months that have passed since that day, Elizabeth has experienced a gamut of swirling emotions and raw pain. It has been a long and difficult process, and her journey is by no means complete.

But she is a strong and resourceful woman, determined that Simon's unborn baby - the only child born to a British Twin Towers victim after their death - should be allowed to grow up as a normal boy.

There can be no greater testimony to this remarkable woman than that little William, born two months after Simon died, is the most delightfully contented child, with a broad smile that is the spitting image of his father's.

In truth, there is almost an aura of peace around her as she gazes adoringly at her tenmonthold son, proudly displaying his first two teeth. It seems all the more extraordinary when she recounts the appalling extent of her loss.

From the moment they met at a dinner party in August 1997, there was little doubt to those around them that Simon and Elizabeth were soulmates. That first night they sat up talking until 4am.

'Simon called me two days later and we arranged to go out on our first official date. By our third meeting I knew he was the man I would marry,' she said.

Simon was born in London and joined the King's Troop Royal Horse Artillery at 18. After three years he left the Army, although he remained a member of the Honourable Artillery Company, part of the Territorial Army, and moved swiftly up the corporate ladder.

At the time of his death he was on the board of directors at Risk Waters, a company publishing financial magazines.

'Simon was larger than life. He had an enormous personality and loved socialising and entertaining,' said Elizabeth, 33, a vicar's daughter.

'Having been in the Army he was very confident and selfassured, which I found enormously attractive. But the other side of Simon was that he was so compassionate. When he asked you how you were, he meant it. That's quite rare in a man.'

Simon proposed on the last night of a romantic Tuscan holiday the following year, and less than six months later the couple were married by Elizabeth's father at his church in Horsforth, near Leeds.

'My family knew that I had met the man I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with,' she said. 'Simon would often marvel at just how good our relationship was. He used to say it shouldn't be so easy. But it genuinely was.'

The couple bought a rundown Edwardian house in Muswell Hill, North London, which they set about turning into a family home. 'I'm the youngest of four and my parents have been married for 40 years, so I'd always wanted children of my own,' she said.

'We decided to start trying for a baby at the beginning of last year and I fell pregnant almost immediately. We were both ecstatic, and would sit up late into the night discussing plans for our baby's future.'

On Monday, September 10, Simon caught the 4pm flight from Heathrow to New York, as he did at least once a month, to host a conference in the World Trade Centre.

Elizabeth had just weeks to go before she went on maternity leave from her job as a senior human resources manager at Channel 4.

That morning the couple had walked together to East Finchley Tube station where they kissed goodbye as Elizabeth set off to her office and Simon headed for the airport.

'To be honest, I can hardly remember what we said as it was so rushed,' she said. 'I had a travel pass but Simon had to queue for ages to get his ticket.

'As I was seven months' pregnant it took me so long to do everything that Simon told me to go on ahead. Although I didn't realise it at the time, it was to be the last time I ever saw him.'

Simon landed in New York safely. On the morning of Tuesday, September 11, Elizabeth left for work, happy and content, after hearing his message on her phone.

'It was a busy day and I worked through the morning, broken only by a phone call from Simon at about 11.45am British time. He was calling me from his hotel before he left for his conference.

'I still can't bring myself to talk about what we said during that last conversation. My husband's death has become such public property that I am desperate to keep something for myself.'

For the first time, Elizabeth's composure breaks and she buries her face in a tissue. It is devastating to watch as, until now, she has been the picture of restraint.

'I'm sorry,' she apologises. 'The fact that he died in the world's worst terrorist atrocity is such a double-edged sword. On one hand I have the comfort that, hopefully, his death actually meant something to the world. But every time I switch on the TV or open a newspaper, I also see his death being replayed over and over, right in front of my eyes.'

At lunch-time Elizabeth popped downstairs from her office for something to eat. At the same time, across the Atlantic, her husband was welcoming his guests to the Windows On The World restaurant.

By the time she returned to her office, news was just breaking that American Airlines Flight 11 had crashed into the building. Scenes of carnage began to flicker across the bank of television screens in front of her at the Channel 4 headquarters.

'As the news flash came up, time seemed to stand still. I knew Simon was in one of the towers but I didn't know which one or where,' she said.

'At first the practical side of me kicked in and I convinced myself that Simon was going to be OK. Then, as I watched, I saw the second plane plough into the South Tower. I realised it was a terrorist attack.

'My heart was hammering in my ears as I rushed to the phone and tried to get Simon on his mobile, but it went straight to the answering machine. Then I tried to call his New York office but I couldn't get through.

'I spoke to his office in London who told me they had heard from some of the people at the conference who said there had been a bomb scare and everyone was being evacuated.

'My body just went onto auto-pilot as I tried to call everyone I could think of for news. I was still on the phone to Simon's office when a friend ran in to tell me that the buildings had collapsed.

'I just lost it completely. I was absolutely hysterical. My sister drove to my office and took me home.

'All that day my family tried desperately to get news of Simon. I can't really remember anything, though. I think I was in too much shock. The next few days were just a blur of faces, whispered conversations and tears.

'I became obsessed with going to New York to look for Simon myself. There was still so much confusion and I wanted to know whether Simon was in a hospital somewhere.

'Common sense prevailed, and Simon's brother, Keith, and our best man, Peter, went out to look for him. They spent days tramping through the city, visiting hospitals, putting up posters and asking people if they'd seen him. But on Thursday they phoned to say there was no sign of him.

'That glimmer of hope that had carried me through those awful days just died. I realised that my husband would never be coming home.

'I sat down and sobbed, feeling like my heart had broken. I was so lost, so bereft and I just didn't know what to do next.

'A week before my whole life had been mapped out - husband, house and baby - and now, in a split second, it had been completely destroyed.

'I was staring into this enormous, black abyss and I just didn't know how I was going to get out of it without Simon at my side. That was where my family and friends kicked in. They organised a 24-hour rota so I was never left on my own.

'I just operated on auto-pilot. I think my brain knew I couldn't cope with the trauma and just shut itself off in order to protect my baby.'

Simon's child was born at a private London hospital on November 14, weighing 8lb 5oz. Instead of her adoring husband, Elizabeth's best friend, the woman who introduced them, was by her side. It was a bittersweet moment: the beginning of a new life cruelly emphasising the loss of another.

'In the end I was induced as the baby was overdue but the birth was fine. I remember the doctor handing my baby to me in a blanket. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Simon and I hadn't known the baby's sex but we had decided on a name if it were a boy: William Simon.

'Jane and all the hospital staff were crying but I was quite calm. I couldn't allow myself to think about Simon - it was William's day.

'The emotion only kicked in a few days later. The realisation that this beautiful little thing would never know his father overwhelmed me. The loss was so painful I could feel it physically.'

For Elizabeth, one of the biggest hurdles in overcoming her grief was to acknowledge the fear that Simon must have felt as he realised he was going to die. Little is known about what may have happened to the 150 or so people that perished alongside him on the 106th floor of the North Tower.

All would have survived the initial impact of the plane and some were even able to call their loved ones before the tower, the second to collapse, was reduced to rubble - but after that no one really knows the horrors the victims may have had to face.

'Everybody told me not to think about it. They said I would only be torturing myself,' said Elizabeth. 'But I knew that as horrendous as the truth may be, I just couldn't settle for the idea that Simon had just breathed in a puff of smoke and gone to sleep.

'I had been to Windows On The World and knew what it looked like. So I went there, again, in my own mind. I tried to imagine the fear that Simon would have felt, the pain and panic. I never realised my emotions could plunge so low.

'But it helped me to understand why I never received a call from Simon, like so many of the other husbands and wives.

'In his last moments, I'm sure he was still thinking of me - at home, seven months' pregnant - and the effect it would have had. He knew it would only terrify me if he called.

'There are moments when pain still hits me like a bulldozer. Like the time I was walking on a cliff while on holiday in Cornwall and saw the most beautiful sunset. I just absolutely broke down.

'The realisation that I would never share anything like that again with Simon was almost too much to bear. But at least I have the comfort that Simon died knowing how much we meant to each other. Even if I were given another day with him there is nothing I would do or say differently. I have no regrets.'

The experience that Elizabeth has undergone since September 11 has changed her life for ever. Not just in the physical loss of her husband and all that it entails, but her whole perception of the way in which we live our lives.

'Before September 11, I had always led a very traditional, middle-class upbringing - I thought I knew how life should be. The events of that day made me realise that the reality is different, that life doesn't always go to plan.

'It made me determined to do something with my life that actually has some meaning. I think it is the same for a lot of people now.

'And in a strange way, I am more at peace with myself than before. On that one day all my worst fears came true. How could anything else in life be as bad?'

Elizabeth has now given up her job to launch a charity - Simon & Us - to share her experiences with others suffering from tragic loss.

Financially it will be tough, but she is unwavering in her conviction.

'Watching the footage of the World Trade Centre collapse encapsulates everything I experienced with Simon's death. It was as if my whole life had smashed to the floor, with an unimaginable force, quickly and without explanation,' she says.

'Afterwards, all you can do is survey the smouldering wreckage with a sense of disbelief. I remember desperately thinking that my life was completely and utterly shattered.

'How was I going to survive without this man at my side and a small baby to look after? I thought that my life was one big, empty black void with no meaning, no purpose.

'I went to counsellors in the hope they could help. I talked and cried until I had no tears left but I still felt empty inside. Finally I realised that the only person who could help me come to terms with this experience - the loss of the man I loved - was me.

'The realisation was a lifeline and rescued me from the black hole that was threatening to take hold of me.

'I embarked on complementary therapies such as Reiki healing, holistic coaching and aromatherapy to deal with my grief, looking after my mind, body and spirit. I realised that, given the right tools, you can heal yourself from within.

'It has taught me to work through the most horrific of emotions and develop an inner calmness despite the turmoil of my life and the world in which we live.

'Now I feel I have achieved a balance and a peace in my life that I didn't have before. That's not to say it has been easy. In fact it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. In my mind I've been to places you would never want to go to. But I have faced the pain head on and I've come out the other side.'

Elizabeth is raising funds to set up a centre offering an holistic approach to grief, ranging from practical advice to complementary therapies and holistic coaching.

'For me, the results have been amazing - in fact it has saved my life - and I am convinced it will help others,' she said.

'We need at least £250,000 to start up our first centre but we would like to go nationwide.'

In March she visited Ground Zero for the first time and plans to take William with her to New York next week to mark the first anniversary of the tragedy.

'I have to be there, at the place where Simon and so many others lost their lives,' she said.

'Simon's body has never been found, so it is the closest that I can come to visiting his grave. I think that is why so many of the families are adamant that the site of the Towers should never be built on.'

As for William - what will she tell her son about the father he will never have the chance to meet?

'The letters and cards that I received following Simon's death say it all,' she says.

'William would have had a wonderful life with myself and his father - and I still hope that will be the case. He is not a replacement for Simon and never will be. He is his own person and will make his own mark in life. Obviously he will ask me one day why he hasn't got a daddy and I will tell him the truth.

'Of course, I have felt anger - towards Osama bin Laden, towards the airlines for letting the hijackers on board. But I've gone past that now. I feel this is not about apportioning blame and, in a way, we are all partly responsible for what happened.

'The events of September 11 weren't just an attack on America, they were a protest against the whole Western world and the way we conduct our lives.

'The biggest danger is that the world does not learn from the experience. The best tribute we could pay to all those who died in the Twin Towers is to ensure that something so utterly devastating never happens again. Something positive must come out of it.'

? At Elizabeth's request, the Daily Mail has made a donation to Simon & Us in return for this interview. Readers can also make donations by cheque payable to Bircham Dyson Bell Solicitors and sent to Simon & Us (Charity) PO Box 39416 London N10 1YZ. Information on the charity can be found at: www.simonandus.org.uk