My bike is out there and I'm on its trail

Oh, the agony, the numbing pain. My bicycle was stolen last week, wheeled off from its last resting place in my care. Out I strode from my office on High Street Kensington, keys jangling in hand ready to whizz home, and all I found in its spot was my sawn-through lock.

I mourned for a suitable length of time (two days, poor thing was developing a nasty rust problem) before my thoughts turned to finding myself a replacement.

Options abound. First I visited Cycle Surgery to suss out the market. "What's your cheapest hybrid model?" I asked. "About £400 in here," replied the assistant coolly. "I'd try Gumtree for a cheap secondhand one."

So I had a flick online. But there, victims of bicycle thievery are presented with a tricky ethical dilemma. Websites like Gumtree and eBay do indeed offer page after page of used bicycles. Common explanations are that the seller is moving abroad and doesn't need their trusty steed, or that they've bought an upgrade. Convincing enough, were it not for the fact that often the same sellers seem to have entire platoons of different bicycles for sale, all photographed in the same flat or against the same bit of scrubland. I rang one supposedly based in Islington, intrigued by his audacity.

"Oh, that one's a gents' bike, love," came the gruff voice, "But tell you what, I just 'appen to have a ladies' one, if you like."

"Does it have any paperwork?" I quizzed, clued up on London Cycling Campaign advice.

"Well, it could if you want it to," he chuckled.

I ummed and aahed, faking interest until he said, "Tell you what, I'm just off now to have a look at another one." I demanded the make and price. "Er, not sure, love, until I've had a look at it." There goes someone else's beloved bike, I deduced, upon hanging up.

Alternatively, you can head to Brick Lane on early weekend mornings where the bandits congregate with their week's "takings", as there's little done to police it. A less law-abiding friend of mine found his current racy model there for £50. His warped, eye-for-an-eye reasoning was that as his had been stolen he was allowed to go and buy someone else's.

I'm not convinced, so am reduced to leafing through the websites in case my own shows up. Rusted or not, without a bicycle I'm lost.