Malaria

I will always remember waking up in an African hospital, after having collapsed in the street, terrified I was going to die. My legs and arms were shaking and I was having full-body spasms, like electric shocks, going through me. I couldn't breathe, and I was more scared than I have ever been - I honestly thought I was going to die. And all I had done was taken three Lariam pills, once a week for three weeks.

The first pill I took made me feel tired, washed out and tearful, but I put it down to pre-holiday exhaustion. After the second I had terrible migraines and was feeling very anxious about things that wouldn't normally bother me. I felt so washed out that it was a real effort for me to get up in the morning and walk to the safari jeep. After taking the third, while on the bus to the airport to go home, I found it hard to catch my breath and felt terrified. I was having a massive panic attack. They stopped the bus and I staggered out and slumped under a tree and collapsed. I was rushed to hospital.

Looking back, it was a hyperventilation attack, but at the time I thought I was about to die. The doctors didn't know what was wrong with me - I've since found out I had Lariam intoxication. They gave me a huge dose of Valium. When I had calmed down, I thought that the best thing to do would be to get back home to England, and so I went straight from the hospital to the airport and flew back home. At the time I had no idea that Lariam could cause these side-effects, no one warned me that this could happen.

I was in Zanzibar, in East Africa, with my family. We were visiting my younger brother, Will, who was working there, and my GP had given us all Lariam to protect against Malaria. I took just three tablets - and they took a whole year out of my life. Until this happened, I was not a nervous person. I was high-energy, outgoing and confident, and I thought of myself as quite adventurous - I had backpacked around half the world including India, China, Nepal and Malaysia. My health was fine, I had a degree and a good job.

But my nightmare had only just begun. When I returned from Africa, I was on high doses of Valium and in a wheelchair, because I was too weak to walk. I never took another Lariam pill. But, seven years on, I am still living with what I call "the legacy of Lariam". I really think the drug has sensitised my nervous system permanently.

When I got back, I went from doctor to doctor - I saw at least 14, but none of them could help me. At the time, Lariam was a new drug and no one seemed to be able to help. I gave up my job, and for nine months I lived at my parent's house. For four months of that time I was in bed, having up to three panic attacks a day.

Back at home, I was a wreck. I couldn't watch TV - it was just too much for my nervous system with everything flashing - so I just lay there. Reading gave me migraines and I couldn't even have the dogs on my bed as the yapping and wagging tails were just too much for me. It was as if my nervous system had become sensitised to such a degree that it couldn't cope with anything. If friends came to visit for half an hour I had to sleep for a few hours before they came and again afterwards. My peers were out there living their lives and and travelling, and my world had shrunk to the size of my room - for a while I had panic attacks just going to the bathroom. I was too weak for baths, or even to put clothes on. I lost two stone. I had no energy at all. I remember a yoga teacher who came to see me to help me with my breathing saying she had never seen someone "alive, but so dead". I spent a lot of my time terrified, and was sure I was dying.

Gradually my strength came back, and I've learnt how to deal with the hyperventilation that occurs during panic attacks. I still have them, but seven years on I am almost back to normal. I accept that I have a sensitive nervous system now, and if I get any symptoms I put it down to stress, not Lariam.

I still get panic attacks - I had one this morning, driving along the Westway, and I had to take some Valium and put on my ventilation mask in the car, and sit for half an hour calming down - but I know what brings them on, which is stress, not sleeping properly, having more than two glasses of wine, or the wrong time of the month. I carry a ventilation mask, Valium, Rescue Remedy, Calms, rosemary oil and a grounding crystal wherever I go - I don't even take a walk in the country without all that. But if I'm careful and avoid stress, I feel fine.

I'm basically quite a happy down-to-earth person and I don't think the drug has changed that. It's just made me a lot more aware of my limitations and how fragile life is. I haven't lost my drive or sense of humour, but I know when to take my foot off the pedal.

But even though I had such a terrible reaction to Lariam, I really don't know what to say to someone considering taking it. My younger brother, Will, who I was visiting in Africa, didn't take it and got grade-three malaria. He was seriously ill and, for a while, he could have died.

Malaria is a killer, and the drug works for some people. So I wouldn't say don't take it. I just think people need to have more knowledge so they can decide for themselves.