Lord deliver us from this TV no-brainer

Colin, the man who had volunteered to be the subject of Channel Four's The Exorcism, was not quite what I had expected. Pushing aside all thoughts of wildly revolving heads, green vomit and rude words, I was nevertheless prepared for someone a bit more troubled than Colin.

Before the programme started, there was a frisson-inducing statement by the broadcaster that a special helpline had been set up for anyone who became disturbed at what was to follow.

There were also frequent injunctions that the viewer was, on no account, to try this at home. This was, after all, the first ever televised exorcism which was attempting to measure, by scientific means, exactly what happens in the brain of someone whose demons are being shown the exit.

Colin informed masterofceremonies Krishnan Guru-Murthy that he had suffered a demonic possession of his accelerator foot while driving, such that his foot insisted against its owner's judgment in flooring said pedal resulting in a dangerous increase in speed.

The Reverend Trevor Newport of the Life Deliverance Ministry was on hand to sort the problem out. Colin admitted that he had demons in his life operating in the battlefield of the mind, and these might have been put there by Satan. Accordingly, he was attached to the EEG machine by means of leads and little patches on his head, which gave him the look of someone particularly determined to give up smoking.

Krishnan did his best to introduce a modicum of suspense by talking to lots of different people in the studio, all clerics or people with a specific interest in the matter at hand. Strangely, most decided to hedge their bets, except for Father Pat Collins who frankly admitted he was not expecting anything much to happen. Curiously enough, Father Collins was right on the button.

When the moment of exorcism or deliverance or call it what you will arrived, it was over in a second. Mr Newport launched into a crisply enunciated eviction order against whatever was squatting in Colin's psyche, and the next moment it was all over. "Happy?" enquired the reverend solicitously. "Yeah, fine," replied Colin. "I'm not shaky now."

Then it was back to the experts for another round of bet hedging, mingled with a distinct degree of scepticism.

Doctor Bird, who was monitoring the EEG machine, revealed that some small tremor had been recorded in Colin's brain just at the moment when Satan's henchman did a runner, but that it was not significant enough to constitute a definite exorcism or similar flight of the evil one.

As the chin-scratching threatened to continue deep into the early hours, I was finally moved to obey the devilish little voice in my head, which kept repeating, "Just turn it off !"