Laughing women into bed

It's just five minutes into comedian Marc Blake's class on how to laugh a woman into bed and he has already cited - in a derogatory way - men's problem. 'Blokes,' he says, 'erm... are crap.'

He continues: 'We're socially inept, our fertility level in this country is one of the lowest in the world and we find it very difficult to talk to women - especially since the creation of the iPod.' An old-timer on the comedy circuit, it's no wonder Blake can give us a giggle.

With 83 per cent of women's lonely hearts ads asking for a good sense of humour, we're hoping some of his comic sharpness might rub off on us. We soon realise he's not afraid of involving his audience to ensure it does.

Getting lippy

After the group has called out good places to meet the opposite sex and some risk analysis (office, 50 per cent chance of complete rejection; gym, 95 per cent; pub, 30 per cent; supermarket, 90 per cent), he calls a victim from his audience to chat up a gorgeous model.

His given line: 'I'd like to kiss you on the lips and then move up to your belly button' just proves too embarrassing for him.

No wonder. But this summed the afternoon up. It's more about being taught about freeing inhibitions than the ways of women.

The odd gem does come out, though. In the office environment, Blake recommends the cliquey smoking area as an ideal place to begin the pulling process.

'People who smoke are weak. If you want to prey on your victim, you already know her Achilles heel,' he says.

No sweat

The gym, surprisingly, is a bit of a no-go but we're told grabbing the girls in the pub or supermarket needn't involve sweaty palms. Blake assures us that it comes down to which state of mind we tell ourselves to be in.

The pub is a gold mine for single males. Blake convinces us the best tactic here is to be selfeffacing, giving women an option of our humility over the hostility of the Alpha-males around us.

But when you reach the stage of asking: 'Do you like fat blokes with no money?' you've gone too far. Blake then tries to demystify how to meet women in that most daunting of arenas - the local Tesco.

To be successful here, one has to adopt the state of mind of a stand-up comic, he says, breaking the rules of the modern chat-up by using preprepared witticisms.

We're given the opportunity to show off our best attempt, of which the very British: 'Do you think my inability to come up with a decent joke about cucumbers or sausages explains my single status?' is a clear winner.

I leave the class with a head full of endorphins and a notebook full of lines to plagiarise in the name of copulation. I honestly feel a little better equipped to wow possible bedroom companions.

And if my would-be partner's still laughing the morning after? Well, then I'd better start looking to sign up to an altogether different type of lecture...

Blake's courses are sponsored by UKTV's G2 channel.
For details of future courses, visit www.uktvg2.co.uk and click on the GSOH link.