Killer nanny 'still grieves' for baby

The Australian nanny convicted of killing a six-month-old baby in her care in London has admitted that she "panicked" when she shook the sick child and has told of her constant nightmares since.

Louise Sullivan, 31, has spoken for the first time about about her fears that she will never be able to put her life back together following the tragedy four years ago.

She says nothing about being sacked by two British families and being thought "unsafe" by one child-minding agency. She pleads to be given the chance to lead a normal life and not be known as "The Killer Nanny".

At the Old Bailey, Sullivan admitted involuntary manslaughter of baby Caroline Jongen after police dropped a murder charge in a plea-bargain deal.

The judge cleared her of any malice or intention to harm Caroline, and she was given a 15-month suspended sentence and allowed to return to Sydney.

Now, in a book, Sullivan tells how she was traumatised and locked in a cell at Holloway prison - and how she longs to prove her innocence.

"I still have nightmares," she tells author Pru Hux in the book The Louise Sullivan Story - An Australian Nanny's Nightmare. "I pray for Caroline all the time."

Sullivan says she still grieves for the baby and the loss her parents Marcel and Muriel Jongen suffered. She longs to place flowers on Caroline's grave. Knowing she would never again be allowed to work with children, Sullivan began a new career in banking. But last month, after only eight weeks as a teller, her new employers discovered her conviction, and she was forced to resign.

"I'd hoped to tell you that my life was improving and that people had stopped judging me. But, sadly, that's not the case," Sullivan said. "I feel frustrated. Nannying was my dream job."

Sullivan's life as a nanny with the Jongens in north London turned to tragedy on the morning of April 17 1998, when Caroline suffered convulsions and lapsed into unconsciousness.

Sullivan admitted that, in her efforts to revive the child she gently shook Caroline "for a few seconds", using her first aid training

In the book, she now says: "Given the chance, I would have done things differently. I panicked. I used a technique I had learnt and it had consequences."

Caroline was taken to hospital but died four days later. Sullivan was arrested after the hospital said Caroline had suffered shaken-baby syndrome. Sullivan believes the baby had a pre-existing condition and that she did not cause the baby's death.