I watched my daughter starve

I think Shona was 12 or 13 when she decided she was bigger than she wanted to be; she overheard someone saying to me that she was "the well-built daughter", and she started to become very fussy about food. I know now that she was throwing up for seven years. At her worst, she was vomiting 15 times a day, and she became very thin. I feel I let her down; I should have noticed something sooner.

We still don't know what triggered her bulimia and anorexia. I had never been on a diet and our home was quite normal, really. Shona was a perfect little girl, very bright, but she didn't want to go to school - she was very shy. Unlike her sister, Anna, who is three years older, she didn't have much confidence - she didn't like the Brownies, or going to friends' parties; she was always desperate to come home. She had me making clothes like Kylie's - she adored Kylie and the Spice Girls - but wouldn't put them on because she knew she wouldn't look like the singer.

She followed her sister to secondary school, and I think she found it difficult because it was co-ed; Shona was very shy around boys. Even at primary school she hated gym; she hated changing in front of other girls - she always said she had a headache or a tummy ache. She just didn't seem to enjoy life. As a parent, you think, what did I do to make her think like that? I always told her she was beautiful, but I suppose we weren't that tactile and I was quite strict. We're much closer now.

Looking back, I suppose the first sign anything was wrong was that she wouldn't eat school dinners, but took in a packed lunch. Then, when she was about 13, she decided to become a vegetarian, which meant she became even fussier. I would buy lots of healthy fruit and vegetables and ready meals but they would just stay in the fridge. I have my own business - a picture framing shop - and when I got home she would say: "Oh, I've already eaten" or "I'll eat later". And because my husband was doing shift work, and we were taking our other daughter to ballet class, we weren't around to notice. Mealtimes were erratic. It was quite easy for her to say, "I've had cheese on toast."

By the time she was 15, she was in her bedroom all the time with her door shut, listening to all that morbid music - Nirvana and PJ Harvey. I thought, well, I should respect her privacy. I shouldn't always be knocking on the door and interfering. She had mood swings, but I put that down to her being a teenager. It was hard to tell if she had lost weight because she always wore such strange clothes: layers and baggy jumpers, always black.

The first time I became really frightened was when Shona was 17, and we were at a friend's wedding. She had been very fussy about what she was wearing, and at the reception she didn't eat a thing, even though there were lots of salads. It suddenly dawned on me. When was the last time I saw her eat a meal?

I thought, I've got to pay attention to this. But I don't think I ever sat her down and said, you're not eating enough. I knew she was unhappy, but I just thought she was shy, and having problems at school. I thought it would sort itself out. I remember once seeing some chocolate around the toilet bowl, but she came up with a plausible reason for why she had been sick.

Then I saw some food in the bin in her bedroom, and I was horrified, I started to panic. I wanted to tackle her about it, but I thought I might make it worse. She only ever had one boyfriend during this time, and when they broke up she was hysterical. She tells me now that was when she started cutting her arms; but, of course, she kept them hidden.

By the time she sat her A-levels, the only thing she would eat was Frosties. Or toast. I bought her vitamin supplements, I'd try cooking different things to tempt her. But she would say, "Oh no, it's got milk in it", she became obsessed about not eating fat. I said: "Your bones will be brittle, your hair and teeth will fall out." You feel you've tried everything. You get angry, you get upset.

I couldn't force-feed her; she was an adult by now. You're watching them starve before your eyes and it breaks your heart because you would give your life for them.

Her father and I used to argue about how we should deal with the problem. He would spend hours on the internet trying to get information on eating disorders; he bought lots of books to read up on the subject. We read lots of leaflets, but they weren't much help. Anna had gone away to university, and apart from one friend, I didn't really have anyone to confide in; other people would say, just give her a hearty meal, or tell her to pull herself together. I didn't have any confidence in my GP.

When Shona got a place to read English at Roehampton, I was dead against it. I thought she wasn't well enough and I wanted her to stay home. But she was determined to go. And she got worse. She never made any friends because they knew she wouldn't go down to the bar or the canteen. I know she took her scales with her, and she weighed herself every day - at her worst she was six-and-a-half stone; she's 5ft 4in, and should really be about eight stone. She didn't come home at weekends - I think she felt ashamed. We would go to see her, and I noticed her teeth were grey, her skin was awful, her eyes were puffy, and she told me she hadn't had a period for two years. She didn't want to look attractive or remotely female.

Then one day she sent me a letter, saying she felt suicidal. I rang her straight away, and I broke down over the phone. I thought, I have to intervene. So we drove to see her, got in touch with the counsellor at the university, and Shona agreed to have treatment once a week.

It was a relief to have it all out in the open. But I felt I had let Shona down, that a stranger was able to help my own daughter more than I could. Although there was never a point where we thought she should be sectioned against her will and force-fed, I feel I should have got help sooner. But I'm so proud of her for finishing her degree against all the odds.

After her degree, she got a place at the London College of Fashion. She had started reading fashion magazines when there was all that heroin chic thing going on, so when she said she wanted to work in the business, it set off alarm bells. But she says that now she has started seeing models in the flesh, she realises they?re not all perfect, that even Kate Moss might look a bit rough first thing.

She is 25 now, and is still strictly vegan, but she takes lots of supplements, and does yoga. She lives in Kingston with her boyfriend, James, who loves her so much he puts up with all sorts ? they don?t go out much socially.

He does all the cooking, but she never lets him use any fat, even if it?s organic extra-virgin olive oil. She has lapses sometimes; she is finding it hard to get a job and so she has been throwing up again. But she is much better ? she?ll go to a restaurant now, for example, whereas a few years ago she wouldn?t have dreamed of it.

I wish I had done things differently, I wish I had dragged her out of her room and checked up on her. I do feel guilty that she has missed out on a time of her life when she should have been happy. I would advise any parent with a daughter to be vigilant; be a nuisance, don?t worry about offending them.

They might look like young women with make-up and dyed hair, but they are children, they need your help. It took Shona a long time before she would admit defeat. I remember she was always in the bathroom; I wish now I?d knocked on that door.

I would say to other parents, check the bins, check the toilet bowl, listen outside the bathroom door, if necessary. Is your daughter moody, does she spend a lot of time on her own?

Even if she wears baggy clothes, try hugging her to see if you can feel her bones, and feel her wrists. She might say, ?I won?t eat meat, I won?t eat oil,? but make sure she has something; and always try to have mealtimes together. I?m still worried about Shona?s long-term health, and her fertility. And I still think she?s too skinny; she hovers around seven stone. Even today she says she wants arms like Jennifer Aniston?s. I still don?t trust her. Contact the Eating Disorders Helpline on: 08456 341414 (open from 8.30am-8.30pm Monday-Friday); or visit www.edauk.com