I wanna be like Gwynnie

Until today, Gwyneth Paltrow and I had very little in common. She doesn't drink, smoke or eat red meat. She is as thin as a rake. She goes out with a pop star, Chris Martin from Coldplay. He is as thin as a rake. The two of them look as though they barely eat a cornflake a day.

I am the antithesis of Gwyneth. I drink, I smoke. I live to eat red meat. I think about food all the time. I timed myself once - I managed not to think about food for precisely one minute. This is probably why you could fit three Gwyneths into me. But now I know why she's so thin. She eats a macrobiotic diet. She even has her meals chauffeured to her on her latest film set in Elstree.

I want to feel what it's like to be as pure and healthy as Gwyneth so, for a day, I decide to eat like her. In charge of my meals is Alex Blee, who is a macrobiotic chef. For breakfast Alex tells me I can have a bowl of porridge with warm water. I am allowed to drink a cup of hot water. "No caffeine," says Alex.

I spend the morning looking dismally at the gloop in front of me. It looks quite disgusting. It tastes quite disgusting. It's like eating wallpaper paste. By mid-morning I feel exhausted. I am in a very bad mood. And I'm starving. Alex tells me it's because I am probably missing the caffeine from the four cups of coffee I usually have in the morning.

"The macrobiotic diet is all about non-stimulation," he says. "It originated in China and it's all to do with the yin and yang of the body and the lymph glands. It's actually very good for cancer sufferers but it's hard to stick to." He tells me to eat a raw carrot.

Ten raw carrots and a celery stick later I arrive at my prearranged lunch date with my friend Rebecca. She has laid out some water and green tea for me, and some wine and Doritos for herself. Alex, in a very chauffeurlike way, delivers my home-cooked macrobiotic lunch to the door. I am to have Hokkaido squash soup, seeded rye bread and Camargue rice salad. "That salad looks like maggots," says Rebecca. "And the soup's cold. I'll just microwave it." She obviously thinks it's funny.

While the soup heats up, I gainfully munch my way through the rice. It's actually rather delicious, mixed with red onions and beetroot. It tastes nutty and minty at the same time. The soup is not so delicious. It's a bit sour. But the accompanying bread would delight a bird. The whole meal takes an age because everything's so chewy. "That's why people on macrobiotic diets lose weight," says Alex. "It takes a long time for your body to digest the grain so you feel full for a longer time." I do feel very full. I think I might pop.

But, rather confusingly, two hours later I'm starving again. Alex suggests I drink the carrot juice he's delivered. I take one sip and feel nauseous. I tell him I don't like juice. He recommends I eat more carrots.

Do macrobiotic people only eat carrots? What about a lovely apple? Alex tells me that, strictly speaking, fruit is out, as are meat, dairy, eggs, caffeine, peppers, potatoes, caffeine, alcohol, processed foods, pasta and chocolate. "A macrobiotic diet," he says, "is organic and vegan and consists of grains (60 per cent), vegetables (30 per cent) and tofu and seeds (10 per cent)."

He then tells me that he himself does not follow a macrobiotic diet. "I like my food too much," he says.

By dinner I am thoroughly miserable. I have never felt so tired. I munch my way through a green salad and lentils with houmus. I drink a cup of tea. By 8pm I am so fed up I go to bed. No wonder Gwyneth seems a touch boring. It's the world's most tedious diet and that's with the benefit of Alex's lovely version.

That night I dream of tiny roast partridge. They are fluttering round my head singing "eat me, eat me" in their tiny bird voices.

Gwyneth doesn't know what she's missing.

Alex Blee will deliver macrobiotic food to your door. He also does cooking courses. His organic cafe, Quiet Revolution, is at 28 Marylebone High Street, W1 (020 7487 5683).