How prison changed my life

As a leading member of So Solid Crew, Shane Neil had become one of the hard men of rap.

Just 24 and an MC in the charttopping group, Neil - also known as "Kaish" - and his crew of 35 rappers and producers ruled London's garage clubs with their tough image, violent lyrics and reputation for attracting trouble at their live shows.

But when he found himself locked up on remand the streetwise south London star soon found his tough-guy image counted for little in the violent culture of the prison system.

Kaish spent four months in Brixton and Pentonville prisons on gun and drug charges, until all of the allegations were dropped. He broke down as he described the horrors of life behind bars at two of London's toughest jails .

He told the Standard he had to conceal his identity to protect himself against vicious attacks, and said he witnessed savage violence and suicide attempts.

The star said: "I saw people getting boiling water thrown in their faces. I saw two people hang themselves. One was a cell away from me. They cut a piece of blanket into a long strip, tied it to the window bars and put it round their necks, stood on the heating pipes and jumped off.

"They were just there, dangling. I only saw two but I heard of a lot more. A guard would rush in and pull them down. You would hear ambulances all the time. That would mean someone was seriously in trouble."

Head held low, Kaish admitted: "After the first night inside, I felt s*** scared. They would put you in a cell with anyone - a murderer, a rapist, a paedophile. Any cell you went to, you would wonder what that man was in for.

"Every time, I'd worry that when I was sleeping my cellmate would try to strangle me or beat me up. You can't sleep because you don't know what's going to happen. If your bed moved slightly in the night, you'd jump
up in case they were attacking you. You sleep in fear."

He said his fame made him a potential target for attacks. "I'd get in a cell sometimes and they'd say they had seen my face on the TV. I'd just lie and say it was my brother. I got a lot of people saying they were going to do this or that to me.

"They'd say they would throw boiling water on me, rush me in the cell, storm in and beat me up. Then they'd say, 'Don't go to B Wing or this wing or that because they'll rush you or kill you.' That kind of thing made me think I couldn't cope. That's what almost killed me in there."

He told how he dealt with 22-hour stretches locked in his cell. "I'd pace up and down. I'd stand at the bars and look at the sky for hours on end. I'd write songs, write to my girlfriend Latanya and to my family. Most of the time I'd just read my Bible. I used to read Psalms."

He also took a £30-a-week kitchen job to escape the claustrophobia. "Big low points were Latanya's birthday, Christmas and New Year - hearing all the fireworks outside. Worst of all, I could just see the place where I live out of the window when I was in a cell on the fifth floor."

One of the most harrowing experiences came after Kaish was moved for a week to Pentonville, London's busiest jail. He said: "I watched a guy get his head busted in on the floor below with a metal bin. There was blood pouring on to the floor. It was everywhere. It was 10 minutes before anyone came. I just stood there and watched him bleed and could do nothing. The person who did it just ran back up to their cell while the guy was bleeding to death."

Kaish spoke of massive loss of earnings because of the stigma of having been in jail, even though he was cleared. "My career is ruined," he said. "When I went down I missed out on shows, I was doing the album, I had lined up tracks for other people's albums. I was seeing a lot of money come in. I lost a record deal worth at least £300,000.

"Now I will be labelled my whole career. Even when I get back on my feet, there will still be people out there that think I'm this bad person.

"I was innocent. I should have never been arrested. I just want to get on with my life."

The relief when he was finally freed made him want to drop to the floor, he said. "My legs were weak and all I did for days was cry and hug my family and my girlfriend.

"Everything I do in a day now reminds me of jail; when I mop the kitchen floor, hear keys jangling anywhere or a door slamming. I dream of keys rattling at the cell door in the morning, then I wake up and I'm at home. All my dreams are to do with guards and prison and police. I wake in the night and think I'm back in jail. I will always get flashbacks I reckon. This has changed me forever."

Asked how long he had been out, he immediately replied: "That's an easy one - two months and six and a half days."