How bling are you?

The world has suddenly gone completely 'Bling-Bling' mad. Never heard of the phrase before? Well, it is American rap street slang for 'dripping with flashy, over-the-top jewellery', and first emerged in this country when used by the comedian Ali G.

It was not long before Bling was being widened to describe an entire lifestyle based on excessive consumption.

Earlier this year, it officially became part of the English language when the Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English included it in lexicon of modern buzzwords.

And 'Bling' bounced back into the news last week when a High Court judge confessed total bafflement when asked to adjudicate on a case involving slang-ridden rap lyrics.

Just a few days earlier, the Beckhams were described as 'Bling-Bling-Bling', when they turned up at an MTV awards ceremony wearing matching white outfits and were covered in their usual dripping diamonds.

Those of us too old and too middleclass to be able to listen to rap music without the aid of ear-muffs can often be as confused as a High Court judge by the subtleties of Bling-ness.

But we don't need to feel too ashamed. A recent survey among black Britons found large numbers of grown-up Afro-Caribbeans who hated rap, couldn't understand a word the rappers were saying and thought that many of their children secretly felt the same way, but were too embarrassed to admit it.

Besides, Bling merely marks the latest stage in the eternal human struggle between the values of conspicuous consumption and those of tasteful restraint.

Bling is about flash, splashing out, showing off, not just keeping up with the Joneses, but leaving them in your dust.

If you want to understand Bling, just think Essex, with knobs on. Think Footballers' Wives. Think foot-stamping divas, who refuse to walk upstairs, or drink the wrong kind of champagne, or sleep in a bed with sheets which don't have a sky-high thread-count.

Of course, all this has spawned an Anti-Bling Movement whose followers hate conspicuous consumption and devotion to brand names. Anti-Blings go on protest marches against globalisation.

Like their equally posh, degree-laden contemporaries Coldplay, Radiohead would not be seen dead in anything resembling a designer label.

Their singer, Thom Yorke (Abingdon School and Exeter University), rants against George Bush and multinational corporations with an eagerness matched only by Coldplay's Chris Martin (Sherborne and London).

Martin, of course, is Gwyneth Paltrow's boyfriend. A beautiful actress who could once be seen at the smartest parties, hanging out with famous designers and European royalty - trës Bling! - is now being made to wear grunge and slum it with the Anti-Blings.

Poor Gwyneth may now be realising a powerful truth about Bling. It may be crass. It may be vulgar. It may be an insult to the world's poor. But at least it's fun.

So here is our guide to who, where and what is Bling - and Anti-Bling.

Bling celebs

Nancy Dell'Olio is magnificently Bling, but Sven Goran Eriksson certainly isn't.

Liz Hurley Blinged her way to stardom, from the moment she wore that ultra-Bling Versace dress at the Four Weddings And A Funeral premiere.

Elton John was Bling long before anyone had even heard of the word.

Cher was Bling when Elton was still a fat, unknown pianoplayer from Pinner.

Puff Daddy - the King of Bling, with his fur coats, handmade suits, private jets, giant yachts, vast entourage and hordes of giggling, ice (or diamond)-laden bimbos.

Posh and Becks - Britain's First Couple of Bling: loadsa money, and they're spending all of it on houses, cars, clothes and jewels. Of course, Nike label covered Brooklyn and Romeo are thoroughly Bling babies, too.

Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez - the ultimate Bling divas.

Jay Kay of Jamiroquai blows fortunes on fast cars and silly hats, then gets into fights at clubs. Bling-bling!

AND ANTI-BLING ... Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin - for goodness sakes, why can't you smile? And wash?

Bling royals

The Queen Mum, Princess Margaret and Princess Diana all had strong Bling streaks.

Prince Charles pretends not to be Bling, but secretly is one with his obsession with labels such as his Turnbull and Asser shirts.

Prince Edward would love to be Bling.

Princess Michael of Kent and her husband: Blings on the cheap.

Fergie may not be properly royal, but anyone who could celebrate her engagement to Prince Andrew by waving her jewellery and shouting, 'Clock the rocks!' has to be 100 per cent Bling.

The Queen is categorically Anti-Bling as a private person. But when it comes to formal state occasions, the State coach, the Crown Jewels, the robes - pure Bling! AND ANTI-BLING ... Prince William - just look at those holes in the jumper he wore for his 21st birthday photos.

Bling holidays

Fly in the private jet to Nice. Take the superyacht (115ft and over) to St Tropez. Suntan on Pampelonne beach, have lunch at 55 or Voile Rouge, boogie at Byblos - voila, le vrai Bling!

Other Bling Destinations include St Barts (Caribbean); South Beach, Miami; Sandy Lane, Barbados; St Geran, Mauritius Ocean Club; Paradise Island, Bahamas; Ibiza (but only the smart bits) and Gstaad.

AND ANTI-BLING ... A gap year spent doing Voluntary Services Overseas.

Bling fashion

The original Bling designer was Gianni Versace, who had a genius for outrageously flash, jaw- droppingly sexy clothes that somehow stayed just the right side of utterly vulgar or tarty.

Footballers, rappers and divas still worship his sister Donatella (pictured above). But she's all Bling and no class.

Other super-bling stylists include: Dolce e Gabbana, Versace, Juicy Couture (their velour tracksuits are fabulously rap) and Gucci.

Also, Louis Vuitton bags and luggage, Manolo Blahnik shoes, fur coats (the whiter and fluffier the better), and Cartier jewellery - all pure Bling.

Prada pretends not be Bling but it is.

AND ANTI-BLING ... Armani is frequently confused with Bling, but isn't (Giorgio would rather die!)

Bling decor

Frette sheets - the finest cotton money can buy (and much, much classier than satin).

Indoor pools (in the basement of your Mayfair home). Ferraris are the classic Bling sportscar. The BMW X5 is the four-wheel-drive family vehicle for your typical British Blinger, though Americans, ironically, prefer Britain's very own Range Rover.

But Blingest of all is the Hummer - a gigantic, pumped-up military behemoth.

AND ANTI-BLING ... Patio wooden decking which is guaranteed not to come from Indonesia's illegal timber traders.

Bling food

The new, £11 million Mayfair restaurant Sketch (starters are £45, main courses £75, they apparently ask for your profession before they accept a reservation) is pure Bling.

Cristal and Dom Perignon champagne. AND ANTI-BLING ...

No vegetarian, by definition, can possibly be Bling

Bling Britain

In London, Brixton is the home of hardcore Bling. Any Thames-side penthouse. Essex, naturally the Bling-est county in Britain. Although Cheshire is not far behind. Hertfordshire, Berkshire, Buckinghamshire and some parts of Yorkshire. There are hotspots of designer Bling in Birmingham, Leeds, Manchester and Glasgow.

Outposts of pure Bling include Sandbanks, Dorset.

AND ANTI-BLING ... Lincolnshire, Somerset. Most of Scotland. Wales.