High living, downdating

What's a girl to do if she's a single multimillionaire and world famous? Can she only go out with men who are one notch above her in the Premiere 100 Most Powerful People in Hollywood list? Or must she be forever alone? Well, no. There is an answer. It is called downdating and it is fast becoming a ubiquitous social phenomenon.

Just look at Kate Moss, Cameron Diaz, Naomi Campbell, Julia Roberts and Charlotte Church - all of whom are stepping out with partners well beneath them in the pecking order.

Only last month, guests at a small Knightsbridge dinner party may have been surprised to see Lady Victoria Hervey nuzzling the ex-Big Brother denizen and face of Domestos, Alex Sibley. But if any of her friends were shocked, they're just out of touch. Victoria is in good company. She shares her new taste in men with many glamorous women far more famous than she is.

Despite pressure from her parents, Charlotte Church won't relinquish Steven Johnson, her 18-year-old out-of-work rapper boyfriend, who goes by the name DJ Diddie and was reported to be trying to sell the story of their relationship to tabloids for £100,000.

Julia Roberts recently married the cameraman Danny 'nobody' Moder, in a private chapel built specifically for this purpose on her 50-acre ranch in New Mexico. Cameron Diaz's boyfriend, Jared Leto, is a Hollywood spear carrier, while she's one of the few proper female stars. Naomi Campbell is wearing a diamond ring to match that of her obscure Venezuelan arm candy Enrique Palacio. They're both models: but he's a mere clothes horse, and she's better known than half the labels she gets paid to wear. Meanwhile, fellow supermodel Kate is steadfastly attached to magazine publisher Jefferson Hack, especially since the birth of their daughter Lola.

What they have all realised is that nothing makes a woman look more on the up than an escort who is less famous and less wealthy. Nor is downdating exclusive to the famous. One in ten men earns less than his girlfriend or wife and these men are said to be delighted with the state of affairs.

The benefits for the man are obvious: a pregnant JK Rowling has just installed her new husband, Neil Murray, in a £4.5-million house in Kensington. And when the ex-anaesthetist (who gave up his £32,000-ayear job when he married the ninth richest woman in the country) decides he wants a change of scene, he can always retreat to her mansion in Perthshire.

But no one can say that downdating is easy, as the example of Kate Winslet and her ex-husband, assistant director Jim Threapleton, shows. Every relationship needs work, and a union of unequals requires particular attention. 'Women who go out with men who are not on their level may be so intent on controlling their partner that they risk denying that obvious problems exist,' says Corinne Usher, a consultant psychologist based in Amersham. 'And this will only serve to magnify them.'

Despite the perks of his position, the downdatee can suffer from this inversion of traditional roles, as Graham Barnes, 30, can attest. A graphic designer who lives in Maida Vale, he soon regretted his choice of high-achieving partner. He was earning £150 a week while, Jemma, a solicitor, was earning over £160,000. The problem was that she sought to raise Graham to a social and financial level with which he wasn't comfortable. 'We were together for three years and all that time, whenever we went out, she used to say, "Don't worry about the bill, I've taken care of it.î I used to try to pay my way, but she'd never let me. She'd push my money away like a parent, refusing to let me share the cost.' This is a syndrome Usher recognises: 'When you tell a man he can't share the financial responsibility for the relationship, he can see this as symbolic of his lack of power in the partnership.'

'For a while, Jemma didn't appear to expect anything in return,' says Graham. 'But then I began to notice that she'd demand that I tidied up. She'd get resentful that a friend was being taken to Paris by her boyfriend -something that I couldn't afford. I began to feel uncomfortable with the situation. Eventually, I ended the relationship.' Graham is now happily married to Gina, a 28-year-old primary schoolteacher.

But Graham is the exception rather than the rule. In most instances, the downdatee is thrilled to be lavished with affection and expensive gifts, and to be afforded an entrée into the kind of high society to which he wouldn't normally have access. While the numerous women-on-top, both celebrity and civilian, relish the novelty of being in a relationship with a man who loves and admires them - but doesn't have control of the purse strings.